Goodbye, Blogger

We had a nice relationship but I can not take your attitude problem anymore.
Operations have now been shifted to WordPress, which has an attitude of its own but perhaps I will learn to love it.

Click it or ticket.

K, BAI NAO.

Word.

I'm really fucking annoyed by people who're annoyed by cursing.
Why can I not say fuck if I want to? For some reason the fact that curse words are just words seems to completely elude everyone. And at one point in time most 'bad' words weren't bad at all. They changed to that over time. Am I the only kid around here who actually knows what the word twat meant back in Old English? Probably. Unfortunately.

I just really don't understand how it's okay for someone to bang their foot into something and say "FUDGE!" or "SHOOT!" or "CRAP!" and not okay for me to do the same and say their actual alternatives.
Actually, how is saying fudge or shoot or crap any better than fuck or shit? A curse word is a profane or obscene word, esp. as used in anger or for emphasis [dictionary.com]. Now who decided which word is profane or obscene? Society did. By using certain words in such a certain sense. So if you're using certain words in the same sense as these deemed curse words, does that not make it cursing, too? YES IT DOES, DUMBASS.
And if you're going to sit atop your high horse on stilts and not swear at all then maybe you should revise your normal speech. Here's another definition for you: Profane - characterized by irreverence or contempt for God or sacred principles or things; irreligious.
"Oh, my God!"
That's swearing. You're taking God's name in vain. Especially when you go "Oh, my God, I dropped my jellybeans waaaaahhhh!!!"
Irreligious.
And, "I swear!"
As in "I swear, this is like the cutest bag I have ever seen!"
Yeah, I don't know how obvious it has to be but when you swear on idiotic things like that, you're not being very pious at all! I'm sure you've seen a cuter bag in your life, and so that makes you oath null and void. Shame on you. You broke your own word just by speaking it.

So don't tell me not to curse, because you're doing it, too. All the time.
And those people who think girls can't/shouldn't curse, please go eat your gender studies textbook. The argument of "we're ladies" is absolutely defunct. Lady, ever heard of gentlemen? I doubt it because apparently it's okay for boys to not be gentlemanly and curse but oh dear, girls HAVE to be ladies. No choice there.
Shoot! Fudge that crap.

Canssexual

I can feel the tranny looovve!
And so can the Chief Justice because just three days back he announced a hijra recognition!

SO NOW THE HIJRAS HAVE RIGHTS!!!

Hijra's are now protected by law and can start businesses and have access to their own share from the Benazir funds for the needy and rejected. I am so happy I can not explain.
One small step for the Chief Justice, one giant leap for Pakistan.
Now we're about as cool as India. Well, just almost.

The milkshake will only have two straws now.

Archie Comics were such slut comics. Seriously why didn't anyone ever find them as morally corrupt? To bring you to the gist of it, these kids spent 70 years just dating amongst each other. And that's pretty much it!
All-American Archie was obviously a playboy with, at a basic count, three girls that he regularly alternated between- Betty, Veronica, Cheryl. These three girls were homewreckers. I fully recall a story where Archie decided to openly play the field and to get back at him Betty and Veronica stole all the Riverdale girls' boyfriends so that Archie would have to take the ditched girls out on dates while their boyfriends were preoccupied (and so Archie would go broke).
And everyone has had a (heterosexual) kiss with everyone in the series! I clearly even remember Veronica and Cheryl kissing asexual Jughead.

Therefore the news that ace reporter Naveen Z. has dug up for us surprises me. Apparently Archie is marrying Veronica.

Which I suppose is expected since Archie was clearly always in love with Veronica. Didn't he ditch Betty for her all the time? But since when are they all into commitment and fidelity? I really doubt the strength of this union. I am sure in the upcoming issues we will be finding out about Veronica's secret affairs with random men and perhaps Archie going back to Betty now and again.
Betty will definitely stay around to be Archie's mistress.
Or maybe not. Look at her there on the comic cover: she looks grief-stricken. Perhaps issue #602 will show her slitting her wrists?

Only time will tell. But let me tell you this. Archie Comics were definitely what inspired Gossip Girl, with everyone dating everyone. Or at least the comics inspired the show until the part where everyone on the show becomes each other's brother and sister.
Gossip Girl is like the freaking Brady Bunch now, except slightly more incestuous and hella more glamourous. Treading new ground that Archie Comics never reached.

Either way, the comics appear to have grown up. But I think the evil agenda is still intact. It is highly possible that this change has only come to now be able to teach children about adultery. And yes, I do completely believe that Archie Comics has an agenda in the first place. Because, if you never realised for yourself, they have nothing else going for them. They aren't even funny.

Still there

Why does my dentist talk to me when he knows I can't respond since he has his hands in my mouth?

Doctor's orders

As I ate a mango yesterday it occurred to me that doctors always tell you to eat fresh fruit. But who even eats stale fruit? Certainly not those who can afford doctors!

Oh, Jacko.

Another day, another obituary. Is this blog depressing or what? I feel like one of those emo bloggers who write horrible poetry (read "random lines about their 'pain'") in red font. Yeah, anyways.

Michael Jackson has died.

And if you didn't know that until now, what is wrong with you?
I'm actually pretty sad about it because he was my favourie singer a whole bunch of years back. He was actually the first singer I ever liked. And I listened to only him for like 3 years. Just him. Seriously. But I wasn't really spoilt for choice back then anyways, and MJ > Hilary Duff.
It's also kind of weird because after having (very successfully) taught myself how to use uTorrent, I wondered yesterday if I should download all the Michael Jackson albums I used to have on cassette. I DIDN'T.
And then he died.
So, really, all of you should be very afraid of me and my thoughts. Apparently they kill a lot more efficiently than looks.

Here are two pictures of Michael Jackson,

one which I found fitting to the theme

and another which I have always thought as being the sweetest MJ picture ever. Which is why it was the only picture of him that I ever saved on my computer.

"Crazy courage, crazy intelligence, yo."

You may think this is a part of a rap, a song recorded by a man who thinks he's the shit. Doesn't it sound that way?
If you agree, ping!, one point. It is a rap.
What if I were to tell you it's a tribute? Do you agree to it sounding like it could be a tribute? Yes? Another point.
Whom to? Biggie? Tupac? Neither?
Neither.
It's a tribute to Benazir Bhutto. You don't have to guess who it's by. It's by her daughter. Bakhtawar Bhutto.
I am not joking. AND I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT JOKING BECAUSE THIS SONG IS THE BEST.



Three days back was Benazir's birthday. Best birthday present ever? Indeed.
Thus I have decided that the 21st was the day that really, honestly made us all proud to be Pakistanis. Because not only did Pakistan win the World Cup against Sri Lanka, we as a nation discovered that our president's daughter is a truly amazing rapper (the word amazing can be seen in many different lights here).
The Americans are obsessed with their presidents' daughters [First Daughter, My Date With The President's Daughter]. If they had our president and his daughter, they'd have a field day! WE NEED TO MARKET HER SKILLZ, YO.
I am fully willing to produce her first album. Please believe it to be your patriotic duty to donate to my Bakhtawar Bhutto Album Production Fund and then buy an original, not-pirated copy when it's released too! Thanks! Mad love, bitches.

"Darling, don't you go and cut your hair..."

You know that things are bad when the hijras stop making an effort.
What's happened to them? I thought transvestites would care about how they look considering that their whole existence depends on how they look. But lately I've been seeing so many that think that they're hijras just because they throw a scarf around their neck and prance around, swinging their hips.
I saw one yesterday on the way home from tuitions and he was pretty much the laziest cross-dresser I have ever seen. Just a man in normal, manly, white shalwar kameez with a black flimsy dupatta and a plain ol' black sack of a handbag. Seriously? Dude, don't squeak, "Baby, paisay de do na" at me if you're not even going to grow your hair and wear decent shoes. No self-respecting hijra would even try on those awful chapals.
Either it's the economy dying that's resulted in this- like when the Japanese geishas didn't look like geishas no more (surely someone must agree with me that the hijras are like our geishas? They dance too!)- or it's because of the Taliban problem. You know, like if they come around one can just ditch the dupatta and fling away the purse and instantly turn into a inconspicious man.
But it's quite concerning.

And just for the record the best hijras are at Khadda Market.

Java Update

I made my first mug of coffee for CIE 2009 last night.
For a child, I am grossly dependent on caffeine.

Dragging out the clues

And further discussion has lead us to a completely new Shakespeare theory:

[14:56] *unicef Myra.: I'd prolly marry Hamlet if I had a choice between Shakespearean guys
[14:56] *unicef Myra.: but it's slim picking, cause they're all pretty sissy.
[15:03] David Bowie: I really liked that guy in Midsummer Night's Dream. Lysander
[15:03] *unicef Myra.: who was in, what was that play called... the one where the girl pretends to be the guy?
[15:03] *unicef Myra.: UGH I FORGOT THE NAME!!!
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: the one they made into that horrible Amanda Bynes movie
[15:04] David Bowie: oh oh
[15:04] David Bowie: Twelfth Night
[15:04] David Bowie: NO NO
[15:04] David Bowie: Merchant of Venice
[15:04] David Bowie: NO it was Twelfth Night
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: no Twelfth Night was chill.
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: yeah it was
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: Merchant of Venice was with Shylock
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: the annoying Jewish guy
[15:04] David Bowie: yeah
[15:04] David Bowie: but they both have women dressing up as men
[15:05] David Bowie: Shakespeare sure was into tranny-hood.
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: because HE WAS ONE TOO
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: ON THE INSIDE
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: I think if Shakespeare was here now, he'd be a drag queen
[15:05] David Bowie: WHAT IF SHAKESPEARE IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN?
[15:05] David Bowie: WAS ACTUALLY A WOMAN?
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: maybeee
[15:05] David Bowie: Dressed up as a man? All along?
[15:05] David Bowie: WHATTA BLOW TO THE LITERARY STANDING OF MEN
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: that'd be GREAT
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: if he were a woman
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: cause then we could truly say that women were the better writers
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: CAUSE WE'D HAVE SHAKESPEARE ON OUR SIDE
[15:06] David Bowie: YEAHHHH
[15:07] David Bowie: Omg what if she's revealing our secret to us?
[15:07] David Bowie: Like right now!
[15:07] David Bowie: because we're feminists and uh wonderful writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: OMG
[15:07] David Bowie: or close to being okay writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: WE COULD HAVE A HISTORICAL THRILLER HERE!!!!!
[15:07] David Bowie: or just writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: we'd be like Dan Brown, BUT COOLER
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: cause our thing would be TRUE
[15:07] David Bowie: THIS IS FREAKING BRILLIANT
[15:08] David Bowie: We are solving the bestest biggest mystery EVERRRR
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: NACE
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: thanks Shakespeare, we got your back
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: you're one of the girls now

Women: 1. Men: 0.
Except if Shakespeare really is using mind control to make us blog about her, this narcisssm is actually quite characteristic of men. The male ego which is the cause of wars, famine, and getting lost on road trips.

Bummer.

Will(iam) you forgive us?

I finally bugged Myra into posting on her blog. This is what she posted:
Avoiding Wrathful Friends

It's about the stupidity of Taylor Swift and Romeo, who is featured in Taylor Swift's song.

Did you know I've posted about Romeo too? I have:
"And I want mine in skinny jeans!"

And the underlying theme of both our posts is exactly the same. You know what else is exactly the same? THE DATE WE WROTE THESE ON. Go look! I wrote mine on April 26 of last year. She wrote hers on April 26 of this year.
That's today.
There's something else that happened today too. April 26th is Shakespeare's estimated BIRTH DATE.

How creepy is that????

We're freaking out. What if we are Shakespeare's Chosen Ones? What if he is controlling our minds from beyond the grave? What if he's trying to get his point across through us? That's Myra's theory.
But here's mine: What if he's haunting us for making fun of Romeo?
What if, like, Naveen tells Myra that I have died? And Myra comes back to Karachi and poisons herself and I, who was alive all along, wake up and stab myself?
We're not Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers, but what if that is how Shakespeare wants to punish us???

We're afraid. Very afraid.
But we haven't learnt our lesson:
[14:45] *unicef Myra.: I am truly creeped out by this.
[14:45] David Bowie: me tuz.
[14:45] David Bowie: :[
[14:45] *unicef Myra.: wow, who knew Romeo would be this weird?
[14:54] David Bowie: well he did go about calling out to Juliet in front of her balcony
[14:54] David Bowie: and getting into fights and killing people
[14:54] David Bowie: and then killing himself with poison
[14:54] David Bowie: You know I really should get off his case now.
[14:54] *unicef Myra.: eh, he was just asking to get hit. I'm sure if he hadn't offed himself, someone from the Capulets would have anyway
[14:55] *unicef Myra.: I know, but he has a lot riding against him for being such a romantic hero
[14:55] *unicef Myra.: I would never want to marry a guy who wasn't smart enough to check if I was ACTUALLY dead
[14:56] David Bowie: I know right? Whatta loser.

We should be on Most Haunted now. Or TAPS. Or under psychiatric treatment. It could be our subconscious messing with us.
BUT HOW DID MY SUBCONSCIOUS FIND OUT SHAKESPEARE'S DATE OF BIRTH?

"Sex and marijuana will kill your nation's youth!" - by Naveed Tariq

Reading up on Aziza's blog a few things came to mind, coincidentally or maybe not so coincidentally related to the last few of her entries.

Zong. It is evil. It is here to corrupt Pakistan's youth.

And in the ever fashionable conspiracy-theorists' way, I have very little to supposrt my claim. BUT, the little I do have is so groundbreaking, so unimaginable, so HORRENDUS, that when you read it you will most likely want go outside right now and eat lots of Dairy Milk.

Zong, it rhymes. What with I hear you ask? SHLONG! BONG!

SHLONG BONG! SEX AND MARIJUANA! The two very things that are eroding America's adolesents have been sent here to wreck havoc!

And I don't care if Zong is owned by China Mobile, it's all the Illuminati's fault!

Shlong, Bong, Zong.

Don't buy Zong. Evil hai.

Wordy

[Hey, my posts are turning out linked this time!]

Naveen texted me about it and so I entered a Zong-City FM 89 poetry competition. With RePublic Display of Affection. The prize is a new phone of your choice.
But I will not win it because even though Zong's slogan is "sub keh do" I know they will censor me because they are cowards and not revolutionary. Despite being a Chinese company.
They'll probably go for some lovey dovey poem instead. Or something off someone's emo blog. They will not let me keh do sub.

However, should I win, do you think they will let me test if my potentional new cellphone's dictionary has the word 'bitch' in it?

Oh, by the way

My cellphone's dictionary does not actually allow me to type out 'bitch'. Instead it says 'citag'.
Citag.
What is this sexism, I ask you? The dictionary can spell out 'dog' perfectly well, but not 'bitch'. WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS SAMSUNG BUT A BITCH HAPPENS TO BE A FEMALE DOG. Stupid discriminating Koreans.
I should write to them a letter. Get a petition signed. Release wild citags at them to rip them apart.
Shame on them.
And shame on me for being unable to boycott them since this is the only cellphone I have. (sigh)

Yeah-yeah

This is it. My friendship with Naveen is over. We are no longer what we used to be. And it is all her fault.
All I did was text her about how I have been contemplating with my father the prospect of me joining the army and then eventually becoming the next dictator of Pakistan. Well, pardon me for expecting love and support from my best friend. Because the following conversation is what I got instead:
N (Naveen): HEY BITCH BACK OFF I'M THE NEXT DICTATOR.
A (Aziza): OH PLEASE YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DICTATORSHIP WAS UNTIL I JUST MENTIONED IT AND YOU CHECKED YOUR DICTIONARY.
N: OH PLEASE AS IF YOU DID BITCH LET'S SEE WHO WINS. You can be the Zardari to my Musharraf.
A: I DON'T WANT DEMOCRACY. MARTIAL LAW! Let's see which one of us gets through boot camp, bitch.
N: You don't even know how to tie your laces (LIBEL! I fully know how to tie my laces, WITH the bunny ears AND the loop-de-loop)!
A: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BOOT IS (well, fine, this is not true either because I'm sure I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't know what a boot was). I'm so gonna get your ass impeached.

I have not received a response to this from her yet. But what does it matter? What's said is said. She has made her dictatorship thieving plans clear to me.
IT'S ON, NAV.

We are so freaking Pakistani.

Fer Sherrrr

Another Long March (in March!) is pending. The government is forcing news channels to close down and restrict what information the public receives. Sherry Rehman has resigned. Samaa channel's building is up in flames. It appears that Martial Law may make a comeback.

Meanwhile, in true Pakistani fashion, we are all busy joking around. Or atleast my mother is. She and her friends have been discussing the many reasons why our Information Minister may possibly have resigned, which I list out for you now:
1. She has run out of outfits.
2. Her eyebrow-shaper has passed away.
3. She has run out of the various baubles she wears in her ears.
4. Her makeup supply has just finished.

But my mother insists that it is because Sherry's plastic surgeons have told her that they cannot stretch her face out anymore and so she needs to stop stressing and wrinkling it back so much with all the politics. No more face-lifts for her.

FACE!

Colour me purple

Nestle has given me chocolate, juice, Smarties. Nestle has given me a lot. And today Nestle betrayed me. Today I saw it's true colour. And that colour is WHITE.
I made coffee today, you see. To pass time during the electricity's nightly departure. And then I decided to add some Coffee Mate to the mix. Because it was lying around and looked fancy. My father uses it. After pouring in as much as I could dislodge from the container (it was stuck to it, I believe the vapour from the coffee has a part in this), I added some milk to make up. Because naive little me thought that Coffee Mate was just a packaged powder milk. It's not.
Credit goes to my very resourceful brother for this (he also figured out that my photo booth snapshot is actually a STICKER). It is he who told me that Nestle's Coffee Mate is not milk at all. It is coffee whitener. Yes, it does say so on the package, except I didn't read the package because there was no light.
Back to the subject: coffee whitener. Can you believe that? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? Why would anyone just want to whiten their coffee for no reason? What's wrong with black coffee? Is it too African-American for you? YEAH?
It's sick, Nestle. SICK.
And my father is a racist, I suppose.

Rhyme Time

Why is it that whenever I listen to any song based around a girl, the supremely intelligent lyricist can not find any other word to rhyme with 'girl', but 'world'? 'Girl' is not like 'orange'. MANY words rhyme with 'girl'. Here, I've made a list of these words in half a minute flat:

* curl
* whirl
* twirl
* hurl (obviously not for a particularly romantic song)
* swirl
* pearl (Prince has used this one. Good boy.)
* unfurl
* churl
* merle
* Earl

I hope someone learns something from this.

Roffle

If you've been watching any TV at all lately, you may have noticed that there have been many award shows that have taken place recently. Grammys, Golden Globes, Academy Awards- alright, those are the only ones I know of.
But anyways, I'm not going to be addressing the horrendous awarding that took place at either of the events. What I want to talk about is the lack of humour at award shows. ALL award shows. It doesn't matter if it's American, British, Indian, Pakistani, oh God, even if it's Malaysian- why is it that people at award shows never laugh?
You can partly blame the hosts. I mean half of these people's jokes are really hard to understand- the double entendre just doesn't work very often. But then you also have comedians act as hosts on award shows- why does that not work either? Why is the audience so goddamn stubborn? Did all their favourite uncles simultaneously die the day before the show? People will say genuinely funny things and all you will hear from the seats will be a light chuckle. Not even a pity laugh.
Still, I must praise music award shows for being a little less sober. Those film people are dried bread in comparison. God forbid they should laugh. I suppose they worry that their lip colour might peel off, or their hair might unravel, or their bow-tie might loosen, and come on now, they might have to go up on stage and receive an award! They can't possibly look such a mess. Better to sit with a tight smile and look like something's up their asses (I'm sorry, this just really upsets me as is obvious).

What cracks me up is when someone actually wins an award for Best Comedy. How on earth do these people know what comedy even is?

LOUD

There happens to be this one mosquito that buzzes near my ear every night. Every single night. It comes right up to my ear and flaps its wings at me. Last night I had to go to sleep wearing ear muffs (that my father got me this winter for reasons unknown to me) so that I couldn't hear the mosquito.
The mosquito will not let me sleep.
And I have tried bug spray, mosquito coils, Mospel. But nothing has managed to kill this evil, possibly invincible insect.

Why did God even create mosquitoes? Everyone always questions the existence of fruit flies but I understand why we have fruit flies. They are what help in rotting fruit. That's important, because how else would food rot otherwise? There's only fruit flies and fungi.
Okay, this may not be the most valid reason but I still support the underdog.
But mosquitoes? What is the point behind their being? All that they can cause is human death. Either by:
a. Malaria, or
b. Annoying a sleep-deprived person into committing suicide.
And there are already like 45,611,879,592,327 ways for people to die. Accidents, diseases, you name it, it can probably kill a person. Isn't having mosquitoes in this world just for this purpose kind of excessive and unnecessary?

I wish mosquitoes were literate so they could read this post, and realise their self-worth, and just decide on mass-suicide because I can't take it anymore.
Mr. MosquitoKeepMeUpAllNight needs to GO.

Special

Economics makes a second appearance on my blog as I share with you what it has taught me this year.
It has taught me that Pakistan has an inferiority complex. I base this statement on the many attempts by this nation to be one-of-a-kind.

You see, firstly, did you know that there are many types of inflation? There are. The kind of inflation that takes place in Pakistan is called Stagflation. Let me tell you something about stagflation- it is referred to as a unique phenomena. Emphasis on 'unique'. This is because as inflation rises, unemployment rises too with stagflation. Not a good thing.
Also, did you know that most countries have, like, a law that asks foreign businesses to share ownership with local businessmen? Like India's Maruti-Suzuki? Well there are TWO countries in this world that allow foreign investors 100% ownership on businesses they open on their land. One is Brazil. The other is Pakistan. No points on guessing this one, though.
Oh, and Pakistan's Finance Minister? He is a banker. The Finance Minister is supposed to be an economist. They are, in other countries.

This country has real problems. I mean, I get that everyone confuses it with India or Afghanistan and all, and it really just wants to get it's own identity, but come on, this is just kind of pathetic.
Ashlee Simpson, much?

I encourage new theories

Seeing all these birthdays take place in January (and there have been MANY), I have had to wonder- what is so special about April? How come so many children have been conceived in this month?
And is this, in any way, related to April Fools'?

Mind-boggling

Why is it that whenever I play Boggle I always find atleast 3 swear words before I start to find anything I can actually use in my list?

Also, you may have noticed that I now feature a "Followers" section on my blog, even though so far I only have 2. But these 2 followers have encouraged me to add this little gadget to my blog and advertise the fact that I only have two followers.
I don't know if this helping my ego or destroying it.

Sock it to me

I just read that Panic At The Disco's drummer, Spencer Smith, does not wear his socks twice. He wears each pair once and then throws them away.
He buys 3-pair packs from Wal*Mart for $5.
He is not the only one. I remember reading several times before that all these teenage musicians for some reason find it very difficult to wear the smaller articles of their clothing more than once. They'll wear new socks, then take them off and throw them away.
Isn't that incredibly wasteful? Why can't you just wash your socks? What's so difficult about that?
Think of the poor children across the world who wish they had socks for their cold feet, come winter!
And where do they throw them away? Into the trash? Can't they give them to the Salvation Army or whatever their local Edhi is? But if they do, the socks will be all gross and unwashed.
But if they make so much money that they can buy new socks every day, then why can't they hire someone to wash their socks for them before they give them to charity?
Even better, why can't they just hire someone to wash their socks SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BUY NEW ONES CONTINUOUSLY???


What idiots.