God help me

I need to stop checking my horoscope. Today's said "You might get a lot of flak from someone you care about" which has kinda been the story of my life ever since yesterday when I announced to my parents that I failed Maths this term with 51%, grade E.
I don't even KNOW why I had to tell them that, I could have easily kept the information to myself and let my report card do the talking. But it was kinda quiet in the car at one point and I was all "Well maybe I should start a conversation". And that is just the kind of thinking that ends with me in trouble most of the time.
So anyways, that's not the reason why I'm now boycotting horoscope reading. It also said " You have much more get-up-and-go than in the past. As a result, you'll accomplish a lot". I was totally planning on doing my Maths past papers today and then I read stupid Dawn and decided to let fate take it's course.
Doing so, I did not even make the effort to open my past papers book, thinking "Well it's gonna happen when it's gonna happen. My horoscope said I'll accomplish a lot today so I will. Eventually." And now I know I never will. I depend on the words of Jacqueline Bigar far too much.
So I'm going to fail Maths and drop out of school and become a children's book writer 'cause that sounds like a nice job. I can imagine Anum disagreeing as she reads this and possibly even laughing.
Well, I can try.

I watched Om Shanti Om last night, trying to get with the changing times and I was going to say that I have new appreciation for Indian cinema (similar to the type I got after watching Rang De Basanti last month) BUT, that can now no longer happen. Because the movie was SO LONG! It was almost never-ending. Especially that stupid "All the hot girls put your hands in the air" song. I do not care if it was a scene showcasing Bollywood legends. It was so annoying. Maybe if the song wasn't so stupid it wouldn't have been half as bad but geez.
And yeah, the stupid Worldcall 15-minute breaks had something to do with my wanting to rip out my hair, too.
Anyways, it was an okay film. I liked the scenes with flying stuff, like leafs and all. And the whole filmy feel of the movie.

To speak of school, all my teachers are drug-addicts. Along with Miss Sohaila, who I suspect took 15 rupees for 5-rupees worth of photocopies so she can spend the rest of the ten rupees on crack, Miss Shaheen has joined the club. We had an Ayat-ul-Kursi test yesterday (another Saturday =/) and Anoushay recited half of that surah and forget the rest so added in lines of another surah and got 10 out of 10 marks.
All I have to say is, Anoushay's going to Hell.

Also, to all those who want to know: My Dora clips have died. Elfy is meant to be super strong YET it was unsuccessful in sticking together the Dora hair clips. I just don't get this. I think they're cursed.

Billy Boy.

I want everyone who reads this blog to comment.


This is Bill O'Reilly. Imagine him with a wispy, white beard. Doesn't he TOTALLY look like a Chinese warlord?
I don't see why Google has such fancy pictures of him, posing in subdued light and whatnot. I'm so sure people convicted for child molestation or whatever it was he was accused of are that big stud-muffin wannabes.

And has anyone else noticed the headline in the second picture? Do so.

Here's the Church, here's the steeple.

Watched an excellent documentary yesterday on marriages on National Geographic. It featured child marriages in India, polygamy in Sudan and same-sex marriages in Europe. The best were the child marriages, though the gay marriages were pretty cool too.
Though, it must be said, the gay couple was definitely cuter than the lesbian one. The groom and groom looked adorable together. Kinda like brothers, but um, that's just wrong. But the child marriages were better 'cause one of the brides totally broke down and was taken down the 'altar' sobbing her head off and the groom was all worried about being stuck with this little wreck now.

Anyways. those kids had it good because today we had school. Yes, on a SATURDAY- it's all that meanie Bhutto's fault who just had to waltz into our already perilous city and bomb 600 people. Anum, like many, didn't want to come to school but we all had to go 'cause the conniving admin had scheduled the History test for today and it could not be missed. Only the kids with Diwali got to give the test on Monday. Anum was fully prepared to turn Hindu for a day and was planning on getting a letter announcing her change of religion signed by her mum to give into the office BUT her mother, God bless her, would not encourage such (clever) blasphemy.
Which is good because Anum would make a terrible Hindu. When I said "Oh, cool, so you won't have to take Islamiat either!" she said "No, I will take Islamiat". I asked her why and she went "Because, you know, I'm not practicing the religion, just reading about it. And Hindus like reading! I think. They do, na?"
It's a blessing Anum was not in the Muslin League before partition or she would have easily killed any chances of us having an independent country, I am sure.

Speaking of school, Crazy Week starts with Monday. It's going to be alternate days of supposed "craziness" where we dress weird. Monday is Crazy Shoes Day. I'm so sure school is going to be a blast when I'm wearing random shoes! Oh, my God, it's gonna be so much fun!
I wrote a poem on it last night when I was supposed to be studying for the History test, except that too is quite lame, as the whole idea of Crazy Week itself. The poem is also the reason I got 16 out of 25 in said test.

I also Elfy-ed the Dora the Explorer clips together last night after cracking open my History book and they look WAY better now.
I am also happy to report that Fox News is back. I celebrated with watching The Factor with Bill O'Reilly, Bill being someone who can totally pass for an evil Chinese warlord if he gets a beard (emphasis on the evil, please).

As an ending point I would just like to clarify that I am totally up for polygamy and premature marriages as long as I'm the polygamous spouse and I get to marry Gel Boy.
He is the cutest 7th grader to ever exist. No arguments.

Bitch, shut up!

On the way home from school yesterday I saw spray-painted on a wall near my house "Katil Musharaf ko phansi charhao", i.e. Hang Musharaf, the murderer (I totally learned Translation in Urdu class two days ago).
And right on it's side it said, also in spray-paint, "Go, Musharaf, Go!"
That is the state our country is in.
Also, I still haven't gotten my Fox News back, BUT I think World Call felt my pain so they've given us these other channels like America Plus and Show Comedy and Show Movies Family. So I guess it's not such a bad thing that our country is in a state of emergency 'cause now I can watch better movies than Stuart Little.
And as you can see, I've started using my font enhancers like the italicize-r.

Speaking of Stuart Little, I totally watched Stuart Little 2 a couple of days ago, and dear God, is the entire Little family RETARDED? No offense to actual mentally ill people but I'm sure even they don't say crap like "Little high, little low! Little hey, little ho!" And it's a story about a strangely goody-goody family which adopts a talking rodent. How this movie even made it to the studios is beyond me.

There was an excellent scene at school today. After recess Javeria stood at the door of our class and Miss Nilofer, the principal, was standing right across the courtyard. This is what happened, as told by Javeria, herself:

Miss N: Where are you going?
Javeria: Um, the washroom.
Miss N: What the hell?
Javeria: Bitch, shut up!

And then she got suspended. Haha, okay she didn't 'cause she never said any of this but she totally reported this as what they were talking about so I don't know what actually went down. I think I'm the only one who found this funny, though. I think it's the way Javeria said it.

And my Dora the Explorer clips are a total rip-off! The Dora part has come off of ALL the clips. I paid full retail for them and THIS is what I get? It wasn't even written that it's supposed to be an activity pack or I wouldn't be whining about it. Why do i have to stick the damned things together myself?
China is a female dog. It is no longer a friend of mine. Cheap-ass betrayer.

America sucks (lead).

I GOT A COMMENT!! Good, old Myra.

To now speak all composed and such, martial law has NOT been imposed. As of yet. But my cable still hasn't gotten any news channels back except for PTV. PTV? Who watches PTV?? I want Fox News back! That is just about the only thing I watch these days. They're denying me of Fox & Friends!!! And other horribly one-sided shows which I hate but still religiously watch for reasons unknown to me (guilty pleasure?).
Texted Nav this morning saying "All my peeps in the crib say 'Yeeeeah!'" and she replied "This is no time to say 'Yeeeah!'- our country is under martial law!". But she's still toned it down a bit, 'cause I met her at Sunday Bazaar and she only said martial law about twice. I, however, can't stop talking about it. Or China. Especially not China.
Which brings me to my new theory on the China lead-in-toys controversy. See, Newsweek is all like China is going to be a superpower soon and so MAYBE China is filling up all these toys with lead so that America's Generation AA dies of lead poisoning, devastating the entire nation and then, in their moment of weakness, China attacks.
Or something like that, you know?
I know China is Pakistan's ally and I shouldn't be letting out such possibly top secret information but like it matters, anyways. People caught on. The jig is up. Take back your Thomas the Tank Engine, China.
Though I still do not get why all these kids have to stuff their toys into their mouth. Play with them, you fools!

Anyways, I got totally rad Dora the Explorer hair clips today and they were made in China so my loyalties lie with them, in the end. And you know what China needs to start mass-producing? As a national good? Pencils.

Martial Law

Naveen texted me today going "MARTIAL LAW IMPOSED! We're all gonna die! Aaaaaah!" Though, technically, it's going to be declared at 8 p.m.
Hold on, I just noticed it's 8 already. Whatever. So now we're a country under martial law. Naveen is in a state of panic. It is comforting, how optimistic she is about it. She keeps going on about how we're all going to die and how we have no future if we stay in Pakistan. So she suggests we migrate to anywhere but Iran and Syria because "they're about to get bombed". China sounds nice 'cause I always wanted to go there and get Chairman Mao wrist watches, the ones where his hand moves in a wave with every second that ticks by.
Since our new system of law has harsher punishments, it's better we move because there are many people here that I'm so ready to kill and maybe one day I'll snap and do it. And then it'll be all death penalty for Aziza.
I wonder what martial really means since the word describes a law and an art. I have wikipedia open so I searched on it except all I got was a brief bio of some Latin poet.

Okay, I checked on some dictionary site and martial means war-like. Which explains a LOT.

So yeah, we're dead. Now to decide where to move. I say China! I can drop out of school and work in some toy factory and pour lead into Dora the Explorer dolls.