Aziza Reviews Her Top 5 Kids' Movies

...'cause she's run out of things to write on.

1) The Labyrinth
An excellent piece of cinematography. Drunk puppets + Helping Hands + David Bowie? There can be no better kids' movie. My favorite of all times, resulting in a pretty raped tape.
Story line: Sarah must race against the clock through an insane Enid-Blyton-on-drugs labyrinth to rescue her baby brother from the clutches of song-singing, deliciously evil David Bowie (in powder-blue tights!)
Lesson taught: You better think twice before damning your siblings. Getting them back can prove mighty difficult.

2) Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie
Guess what? This one was supposed to have David Bowie, too! As King Neptune, but I don't think it does.
Watch the best of Spongebob and Patrick with awesome ridicule of masculinity and maturity, backed by catchy songs. Brilliant.
Story line: Little bitch Plankton steals King Neptune's crown and makes Mr. Krabs his scapegoat. Now Spongebob, with Patrick's companionship, must defy the constraints of being a kid to find the head-dress in six days time before Mr. Krabs gets zapped and Plankton takes over Bikini Bottom. Crucial help given by: Rock 'n' roll, bebeh.
Lesson taught: Mentally retarded and homosexual folk are people, too. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, okay?

3) Hunchback of Notre Dame
Only Disney animated movie worth the view. The hero is not a flowing hair-tuxedo combo hottie (since when is flowing hair that hot, anyways?). He is deformed and the movie is delightful. The villain falls into a lava-like pit of fire, COME ON! Way cool.
Story line: Acrobatic, bell-ringing hunchback Quasimoto and radical pole-dancing gypsy Esmerelda- stereotyped minorities in Paris preyed on by woman-less perv and Master of Parisians, Frollo. They leap, fight, and sing their way out of oppression but don't get together. Why???
Lesson taught: Do not listen to the talking gargoyles you happen to live with. Also, do not trust any blonds of the flowing hair variety with your (possible) girl.

4) Toy Story
An extra push to my already diminishing sanity. Reason why I now believe that all that exists on earth has feelings. Even dairy produce. If i choose not to fry the cracked egg, will it think I'm discriminating against it because of its disability?
Story line: Andy's cowboy doll, Woody, feels threatened by the new spaceman doll, Buzz. Pixar's first 3-D animation triumph which starts as a battle for toy-box superiority, ends with realisation of equality; ever-lasting friendship.
Lesson taught: Treat your toys equally or risk a Chucky/ Toy Soldiers-esque scene unfolding. Though, ofcourse, Chucky was alive because of a soul dwelling in it.

5) Jumanji
Who has NOT watched this movie? Robin Williams in one of his better roles, in my opinion, better than RV atleast. A far better film than that (not so) new board game movie Zathura or whatever. Zapora? I think it's Zathura. Does it even matter? Jumanji all the way, baby!
Story line: Kids find magical board game. Game is evil. Wild animals chase them around, local zoo gets chance to add to its attractions. Game must be played till the end for everything to go back to normal.
Result: highly odd, non-fatal action.
Lesson taught: If you find a board game that seems a bit too advanced for your decade and declares misty, threatening messages on its screen, DO NOT PLAY IT. Destroy it! Otherwise you will end up with a tail and a jungle man for a companion. Stick with Monopoly.