Maha-hahahaha!

Today at Naveen's we discovered something very interesting. Apparently there's a band called 'Maha' which is also well-known as the Pakistani Evanescence. We watched their YouTube video. Here, take a nice, hard look:

YouTube- Maha- Uljhan

Hmm, now I wonder, why are they known as the Pakistani Evanescene? What ever could be the reason?

Maybe, it's because this song has the exact same music as that of Evanescene's Everybody's Fool. Sure, the guy who uploaded it has cleared that out for tone-deaf folk in the video information column, but still. If they could pick out snazzy sunglasses for the video and choreograph so well for it that the girl keeps stepping like a foot away from the mike while she's singing because she needs place to flail her arms around, could they not come up with their own music?. But let's give them credit for adding their own guitar solo in between.

Maybe, it's because the video rips off Evanescwence's Call Me When You're Sober video. With the dining bits and the whole part in front of the mirror.

Maybe, it's because the video also rips off Evanescene's Bring Me To Life video- okay, so that's just the teeny lying in bed part, but at this point I can totally use it against them.

So, well, I don't know. Why don't you tell me why this band seems so like Evanescence? Surely it can't be just the fact that it's fronted by a really fake Goth-wannabe girl. Still, you could forgive them because I suppose we should just blame the director, Khalid Manee, for the video. But did you listen to the words?

Tum udaas ho,
main udaas hoon

You're sad/ I'm sad. I am so proud of Pakistan. This has got to be my most favorite band of all times.

But if I've got to be nice- atleast the singer sounds better than I ever will.

Haippy Sinaaaps!

Photos by Naveen Zaidi

For art more satisfying to the eye than this jumble of words, check out naveen1468's photostream where Naveen Zaidi is showcasing her photographic masterpieces for all y'all's pleasure.

I would try to compete with her artsy-ness but I do not possess the talent she does. Neither do I possess an actual camera. Donations are most welcome. Give from your wallet, not from your heart.

Start time: 9:00 a.m.; End time: 11:30 a.m.; Duration: Yo' motha...

At about 6:00 a.m on the 4th of this fine, fantastically hot month, I came up with a theory on Benazir Bhutto's death (yes, I'm still stuck on it). Anum, who I shared my revelation with, called me the Jedi Master of Bullshit. But I'm sure, dear reader, that you will be more sensitive to my thoughts and beliefs.

See, I was sitting there trying to revise for the Geography exam which was to take place in approximately 3 hours, when I looked up and saw my giant Benazir poster. If you're wondering why I have one, it's because it was incredibly cheap (20 Rs!) and so very artistic. It has a detached, translucent head of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto floating in a starry sky with his daughter standing underneath, raising her arms to the heavens, as she so enjoyed doing (very air stewardess-like, don't you think? Especially with the head scarf and jackets, too. She could have worked for PIA). You don't see posters like that very often.
So anyways, I looked up at her and I wondered- how on earth did she study as much as she did? I mean, Harvard AND Oxford? There could only be one explanation.
She was a robot.

Anum disagreed. "Robots don't die from getting shot."
So here's my theory: She most definitely was a robot. And the 'assassination'? All a set-up. See, the CIA was actually very close to figuring out about Bhutto's android actuality. So damage control was needed. If it were found out and revealed imagine the global drama that would ensue! So PPP and our government teamed up and decided to stage a fake murder to nip the CIA's ideas in the bud.
A man was hired and Benazir was shot in the neck- where her mini-brain micro-chip (ignore the lack of technical terms) was! That's why this whole thing wasn't investigated properly!

Now that I have blown this whole thing wide open let me just say that it is indeed posts like this one that reduce the credibility, merit, and over-all literary value of this blog to little more than a grain of sand.
This theory, that resembles a sieve with the many holes it has in it, you are fully invited to harp about and poke fun at. But when it all turns out to be true, you have to promise to look at the camera and say that you Are Not Smarter Than Aziza.

And speaking of flunking out of school, I am giddy with relief upon announcing that my O Levels for this year are officially over. Zia ul Haq may be giggling in his grave at my Pakistan Studies papers (sadist), but never mind: I'm A Survivor.
But not for long since the unexpected, cruel departures of the electricity about thrice a day are sure to be the death of me.
Honestly, what ever is the point of Daylight Saving? What electricity are we trying to save? It's not like we get any!

Nothing better than living in Pakistan to prepare one for the harsh cruelties of the world. You can take me to a war and I won't even flinch. We're tough, yo. And when the going gets tough, the tough slip on their suicide jackets and flip on their fake Zippos.
Jealous?

Some like it hot

I know I've already given my History CIE (as of this afternoon) but this issue still needs to be addressed. The names.
How can you have a name like Maulvi Tamizuddin or General Tikka Khan and be taken seriously? Just how? "Hello, I'm the Chief Martial Law Administrator for Pakistan. General Khan. Tikka Khan."
In my opinion Maulvi Tamizuddin is a great name for a male stripper and General Tikka Khan was most probably a distant relative of Mr. Burger.
But this is all a thing of the past- um, in more ways than one- and History is now a subject dead to me. Like Zia-ul-Haq! NO MORE REFORMS EVER EVER EVER AGAIN! Three more exams to go and then I can go into hibernation. Will I make it till then? I don't know. I've started spending nights singing Madonna so chances seem slim.

In far more interesting news, guess what's been happening in Nazimabad? Can't guess? Give up? I'll tell you.
I'm not sure when this happened exactly but it's quite recent. This family had robbers break into their house. The two guys stole all their stuff at gun point and then as they were leaving the family started to scream for help. All these other folk came out of the neighbouring houses and saw the robbers escaping so they ran after them, mobbed them, beat them up... and then set them on fire. No joke.
It started quite a trend, that act, because a few days later I suppose, a minibus was hijacked. This other couple of robbers took all the stuff of the travellers and as they were getting out of the bus, one of them tripped. As soon as that happened the travellers and passer-bys decided to take the matter into their own hands once again and proceeded to grab the burglars and barbecue 'em.

The people involved in this feel they were justified in lighting up the criminals because this is a time of rapid inflation. You can hardly afford stuff anymore and to have robbers take that hard-earned stuff away? Quite unbearable, surely. And it's not like our police force is of much help- they practically support the robberies! So the civilians have decided to do what they gotta do.

I suppose if this were America a story as such must be quite horrifying. But let's face it. This is Pakistan. If you don't like something, feel free to indulge in arson. 'Safety matches' happens to be quite an alien term here.

"You may start your papers now, candidates. Best of luck. I'm a foxy, foxy man oh yeah."

I have deleted that strange, deluded post and am ready to write a new one! I blame lack of sleep for that one.

Anyways, I gave my first EVER EVER O Levels yesterday and three very interesting things came to my attention:
Firstly, my centre for the examinations is DA Public School and let me just say that if I have ever been disparaging of public schools in the lovely city of Karachi, I sincerely apologise (No, I'm not being sarcastic). Hold the ketchup, hold the pickles, I'm eating my words straight up. Because DA is phat! The building is what I speak of, actually. Not only is it kind of HUGE it happens to have a lawn. I know, A LAWN! I have never seen even a patch of grass growing in our school even accidentally, God forbid!
Yet the greenery is not all. This school even has a cafeteria (notice the 'fetaria' after the first two letters instead of a 'nteen'), and a ground twice the size of ours, and air-conditioners and I cannot believe the pathetic existence I have had all this time in this place I call my educational abode. Well, to be honest, I just call it my school. But, you know.
I just cannot believe how stupidly inadequate our school is compared to DA Public School.
No wonder we study and they don't. No wonder.

Secondly, there's the treatment of the candidates in the examination room. They bring in glasses of water for you during the exam! On trays! Honestly! It's like you're in a hotel or like at someone's house oh it is just so relaxing! How nice of the British Council to do so. I guess they're really trying to make amends. Or not, as I'll reveal later...
Also, did you know that you can fully drop your stuff everywhere and the invigilator will come and pick it up for you? Oh yes, he will. I now plan on dropping my pencil case atleast twice at every exam. And do not you dare feel sorry for those invigilators because they are mean! I spent almost every second in both my Second Language Urdu and Islamiyat papers smiling- smiling at my paper, at the window, at the roof, at the invigilators. And not one of them smiled back! In fact, they kind of glared at me!
I guess now my pencil case will feel a little extra suicidal. He he he.

Yes, so they really haven't given up. The British, I mean. Because we have come to the third, very interesting, very scary thing I noticed there.
Did you see? Did you see what the invigilators had to wear? Pardon me, but were we giving our papers at night and was the British Council afraid that we won't be able to see our invigilators properly? Or did the invigilators have to stand in oncoming traffic for their job? Because otherwise there is no reason- no reason at all, believe me- that ANYONE should have to wear those horrid neon-fluorescent-yellow vests made of netting!
Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!! My eyes!!!! HELLO, we're here to give an exam not be blinded by those vests! What is wrong with the British? Why are they still after us? Why must they torture us this way?

But, hmmmm, then again... those invigilators deserve it.

Maybe it's because I didn't eat anything today...

I haven't written in here in ages, as we can tell.
So time for updates:

I fully baked three batches of chocolate cupcakes this week and they all turned out exceptionally nice so aha! The girl's got her skills back!

Other than that, I have discovered a new art! Yes, really. It's called Hot Glue Gun Art due to lack of creativity while devising the name. It's pretty obvious what it's done with but let me explain how. For no other reason than to fill this post up a little. See, what you do is, you take some thick cloth. You wash it. Don't let it dry much, so it's still a bit more than damp. And then you make stuff on it with your hot glue gun and it dries instantly cause of the cloth being wet and then you peel off your glue drawing and there you go: Plastic art.
Isn't that excellent? I know you're going to be all jealous of my discovery and say "Oh, my God, thats' so lame blah blah blah" but I love it. When I flunk my O' Levels and then drop out of school atleast I'll have this skill with me, which will- now that I think about it- really be the reason of my failing the exams because I've been too busy making plastic shit rather than studying.

I finished doing History yesterday and I am just appalled. The British SUCK. I go through this every year when I get to the end of Section B but seriously, why were they such a bitch to Pakistan? We fully deserved Firozpur and Gurdaspur and Calcutta and those losers just handed it all off to INDIA. Lord Mountabatten is so burning in Hell.
And then! And then BBC has the nerve to make documentaries about how after 60 years of independence India has progressed so much further than Pakistan.
Really, BBC? Well who's fault is that, I'd like to know?
And as if that is not enough they go ahead and INVENT THE DAMNED CAMBRIDGE INTERNATIONAL EXAMINATIONS! Like we have not suffered more than necessary already! No, it is not enough that thousands of Muslims die, that our precious land is given to India, that we are still having to deal with the effects of their stupidity, i.e The Kashmir Dispute and the whole canal headworks stuff and are largely economically handicapped because of those fools, NO. Now they have to make Pakistan's youth dent their fragile minds with book after book written by men who are obviously too single to even be human (Do you really think Nigel Kelly can have a wife?) just so we can give a stupid exam THAT THEY MAKE.

I can say I hate them. But that will not show the amount of emotion I feel towards those evil, vengeful British idiots.
And British boys aren't even hot. So, HAH!

"And I want mine in skinny jeans!"

I was reading Princess Diaries' part 4 yesterday, and I would be embarrassed admitting to that but actually those books are quite interesting- even if they are kind of unrealistic seeing how it's totally impossible to write 6 pages coherently while in an eatery's bathroom stall or, especially, in a car, in the time period Mia completes them in.
Anyways, in this one there were these multiple mentions of wanting a 'Romeo in cargo pants' or loving a 'Romeo in black jeans' and that just got me thinking- why on earth do you care what pants your Romeo wears?
And more importantly, why do you even want a Romeo?

If I have it right, Romeo was an idiot. Not only did he break into the house of his family's mortal enemies but he also stood there calling out to Juliet. How stupid is that? He could have gotten shot! Or stabbed, because I guess they didn't have guns back then.
And if that's not all, he also took poison because he thought Juliet had died. Didn't it ever occur to him to check her pulse before he killed himself? Maybe Juliet just liked to sleep in tombs. Maybe Juliet was a Goth. YOU DON'T KILL YOURSELF IF YOU AREN'T SURE THAT THE PERSON YOU'RE DYING FOR IS EVEN ACTUALLY DEAD.

Not to say that Juliet was any bit smart, the way she stabbed herself for a guy. Sure, she loved him, but have some self-respect, woman! And you can't even defend them by saying 'Oh they were only 14/15!'. I'm 15, and I wouldn't go drinking poison or driving daggers into my heart.

Also, did you know that there is actually a group of people in Verona, Italy (the place after which the city where Romeo and Juliet's story is set is named) who answer these like thousands of letters from around the world every year addressed to Juliet from people who're having love troubles? Yeah, seriously.
I guess the senders of those letters don't realise that when you're asking a fictional character who committed suicide for help with your love life, maybe love isn't your only problem.

Get a doorbell.

I was up till 4:30 a.m. this morning when I really, really wanted to get some sleep.
It was around 4:10 that I began coming up with some excellent Knock Knock jokes. I'm not sure if it was the exhaustion or the boredom or the fact that I was to get my mock results today that contributed to this fun-fest (fiesta de grupos!) but whatever it was, I thank it.
Here are my little gems:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hell.
Hell Who?
Hello.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Woo.
Woo Who?
Well, don't you get excited meeting me!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
That show happens to be fictional, you know.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Screw.
Screw who?
Screw you.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Who.
Who Who?
Why are you repeating yourself?


Okay, so the second one actually kinda sounds weird, I mean the punch-line of it does. But leave it to me to want appropriate grammar from a Knock Knock joke.
Either way, if making Knock Knock jokes was an Olympic sport, I'd already have the gold, babeh.

Twinkies!

Mehdiyeh was watching Discovery Channel a whole bunch of days back and here's what she has reported seeing:
Apparently, because of global warming, polar bears are having a sex change! Well actually it's just female bears turning male.

I don't mean to laugh at the plight of these poor animals but hahaha can you imagine that? A female polar bear waking up and being like 'Oh, hello... I'm a dude?'.
And how is this going to affect family values among the bears? How are the kid bears going to live with two dads? They'll need to introduce gay rights to their society! Because there won't be enough ladies left! It'll be like China, where they kidnap women and sell them off as wives because the one-child-per-family law has greatly reduced the number of girls in China. There'll be a polar bear black market! And won't they eventually go extinct this way?

While I'm at it, may I also ask why global warming is so damn sexist? Why are the female polar bears turning male? Why isn't it the other way around, huh? Like this world needs anymore testosterone. Forget about extinction because of lack of mating, the polar bears will probably just like fight each other to death now.

And ofcourse, Mehdiyeh's top concern: What if this starts happening to humans, too?
I doubt it, but if it does then I guess the apocalypse is nigh.

Up the crack of a yak!

I made cupcakes yesterday. I don't know what it is about exams but they always make me want to bake. Maybe it's just me not wanting to study. Anyways, my cupcakes are killer.
Literally.
It might have been the icing but the whole batch just turned out super sugary. Like 'Oh, my God, I think I can feel my teeth rot' sugary. It's just a bunch of diabetes-inducers. Nobody wants to eat them. They also kinda got burnt from the bottom 'cause I left them in the oven too long 'cause they wouldn't rise. What on earth has happened to me? I used to know how to make cupcakes!
I blame O Levels, because I feel the need to blame something.
And everyone keeps making fun of my cupcakes. Well they can just bite me.
It's quite clear they refuse to bite into the sugar bombs.

I also seem to realise that lack of sugar may not be the cause of my random crankiness because today I just want to scream and hit all those idiots on Facebook who feel it absolutely necessary to have almost every single application the site has on offer. Especially the damn quizzes.
WHY do they need to do that? Really, just why? Do I care to know what your favorite sexual position is? Do I care at all about what kind of nail polish you are? Does anyone other than themselves care about all this? I think not.
Ya'll application addicts need to take a lesson from Naveen. Naveen takes all those quizzes (okay, maybe not the dirty ones) and what does she do after she's found out what kind of Barbie she is (she's a Trendy Bendy Barbie, in case you're wondering)? She deletes the application.
Get the girl an award.

Also, last night Anum told me that since I want to know so bad how it must feel, one day she'll get drunk for me and let me know what it was like. I find the gesture so thoughtful that I guess maybe I'll cut myself and let Anum know what that's like. Because my Love Signs book does say that I'm masochistic, so I'll probably enjoy cutting my self.
Yeah, RIGHT. I'm going to pass out from the pain, sure I'll just love it. Idiot Linda Goodman and her ideas on my poor zodiac sign.
Oh, my God, hold on, I just realised that I get hurt a LOT. You know, how I'm always falling over and how I always get hit with some tennis ball or basketball? It's quite well-known how unfortunate I am that way and I just remembered how I always laugh when I get hurt. Everyone around me is all "Oh, no, are you okay? Oh, dear, let me help you up. Who was the idiot who threw that at you? Uh-oh, are you bleeding?" and I'm just laughing.

So that means I AM masochistic! :O
Oh, that's just great now. I'll go eat my burnt, sugar-ful cupcakes and enjoy myself then. I obviously like that kind of thing.

Quite Suited for the Job

Do any of you remember how after Benazir's assassination I was all "You know what? I should be the next Prime Minister." And then I went on to relay this entire plan of what I'd do after becoming PM which started off with my lining the irrigation canals.
And remember how everyone laughed at me and my idea, including my own mother, my flesh and blood, and how ya'll were like "Hah! Why'd you want to do that? That is so lame. Lining canals! Pffft."?

Now that Yousuf Gillani is the PM, guess what he's doing? Brick-lining the irrigation canals. Mhm. So you were saying...?

History!

New Prime Minister!
Nominated by the coalition of PPP/PML-N/MQM we have a new Prime Minister! There was never any doubt about him not winning the elections today, I mean there could possibly not have been enough people to vote against him after the coalition. But still. Ta-dah!


Yousuf Raza Gillani!
Check out the V-sign! And he looks like the Pringles guy in this picture! Haha, aw.

Today, with the power of his new position Gillani has freed all the judges that had been kept under house arrest, like the Chief of Justice. Everyone's gone crazy excited and are shown on TV jumping around to the dhol-people's precussions.

I know they don't realise this but the dhol-people really have a giant bit in our country's political history. They're like fair-weather friends- always there for the good times.

Also, has anyone noticed Gillani's excellent hairstyle?Yeah, this isn't a very good picture but as of now Google has very few pictures of him. There were even lesser yesterday when I checked. Not very popular, this man is. But can you see how his hair makes this very distinct wave shape? 'Cause he's balding from both sides of his forehead and uses the hair in the middle to cover one bald spot?
It's quite sad. But then again, we've all seen Asif Zardari and Altaf Hussain.

Say What?

Asif Zardari does not look very much like an educated man. I mean, if you've seen him you know what I mean. He looks like he was running a tractor when he decided "Hey, maybe I should become the Prime Minister!"
Yet, it is said that he has in fact graduated from from Cadet College Petaro, Dadu for his equivalent of a high school education. And, if you can believe it, he has also gotten a degree from the London School of Economics and Business.
And you know why I think you might find it hard to believe? 'Cause so far, after some good searching, British officials have not even found a London School of Economics and Business! There isn't one! Not one that anyone knows of, anyways.
Ha ha ha! How excellent is that? He's been faking it for decades now, possibly, and only this week we find out that he might just not have a degree at all!

Minimum degree of graduation? A requirement for the position of parliamentarian? Hasn't been so for Mr. Zardari!

Bringing Sexy Back. Not.

Did you see how on Dawn News (the channel) how they had the headline going "BILAWAL IS BACK"? He is!
He's back from Oxford to announce who's going to be the new Prime Minister. Like announcing the winner of the Best Actor in a Supporting Role for the Oscars! He's here for his easter holidays which were going to be spent in Dubai with his sisters previously. But some lady in the news said that the Oxford examinations are coming and he should be studying and not be here. Come now, Bilawal, even I'm studying.
Good news is, he's started opening his eyes now. Literally. Like now he doesn't look drunk 24/7. Maybe he had eyelid surgery done. Or maybe Boozie Suzie stole all his liquor.

Going along the lines of the next Prime Minister, there was a phadda in the coalition for the nomination of PM. Asif Zardari and Makhdoom Amin Fahim were all "Yo, getcho face outta mine or I'mma twist yo' head so yo' caps on straight" 'cause Makhdoom was the one who was supposed to become PM but now Zardari's trying to butt in on his possible big moment. Rabia at school said that it's time to send Zardari a bomb in a mango crate.

Also, guess who's the new National Assembly speaker? For the first time in Pakistani history it is a woman. It's Dr. Fehmida Mirza! Yay for the lay-days!

Now here's a nice picture of Bilawal for all of you Billy Lovers out there (basically Naveen and Anum):

Kub hon gay kum yeh dunya ke gham?

Talk about depressing. Someone get me some Prozac.
Well, okay, it's not that bad. I finished reading The Subtle Knife last night and let me tell you, THAT BOOK IS SAD. Everybody good just dies in the end. What's that all about, I ask you? I mean, I fully expected, while reading, that the people dying would get healed somehow, you know? Somehow. And then RANDOMLY the book ends and everyone's dead. Alright, not everyone, but the cool people, yes.
No wonder Naveed likes this book. Emo kid.

Other than that I also had my accounts comprehensive test and if you take accounts you probably know what I mean when I say nothing balanced. It means that I'm failing. Oh well, happens.

OOH also, I've found pictures of Nick Zinner's girlfriend, Amalia or Aliyah or- well no one seems to know for sure what her name is. Here:

Wow, those are REALLY tiny pictures. But yes, try not to confuse Nick on the left as being Amalia/ Aliyah in the left picture and on the right in the other one because I know Anum will deliberately do so. And doesn't she totally look like the child of Nick and Demi Moore, were they ever to have one?

That's Demi Moore in case you didn't know.

But you guys never agree with my look-a-like theories.

Oh and Danny got kicked out of American Idol last week. I swear, first America's working for gay rights and then they kick off the the gay dude altogether! There goes my favorite girl contestant.

And Asif Zardari will be trying for Prime Minister. Woo. Hoo. There goes Pakistan.

Aliza's email address

Props to Naveed for finding out such a lovely piece of information. He is the new Nancy Drew.

We all know Aliza. Aliza Qaisar. The most non-pervy, sensible (Naveed's words) and mature person of us all. Well I guess we didn't know her well enough. For do you know what her old e-mail address was? No? Well let me tell you!

wannaplay73@hotmail.com

I do not kid you. That's all I have to say.

Naveen over-reacts again, Anum 'no for sale'

Well, she did.
We had this electricity crisis like 3 days ago, if anyone remembers. One of KESC's generators got messed up, if I'm right, and then the electricity was gone for hours. I was at home that day for no particular reason and was reading The Subtle Knife and texted Naveen that I thought Gel Boy would make a stellar Will Parry. She replied going "Did you hear about the electricity crisis I don't know how you can be so happy and thinking about Gel Boy when your country is falling apart."
I swear, at times like these I really feel that Naveen should have a blog and not I. She's full-on drama-scene about everything!
More people would read it then, too.

Ooh, IDEA! Let's make this a joint blog! YEAH.

Anum's back after 4 days in Malaysia for our field trip. She witnessed a guy ask their van driver if he could buy the girls. The van driver said "They no for sale." Anum says Malaysian's don't really know English very well. Whatever, atleast they have morals. Which is more than can be said for either her or I.

Banning YouTube

Taking away YouTube! They're taking away You Tube!!
How dare they?
Why don't they just take EVERYTHING away?
And what's the reason for it anyways? Can it seriously be that it's because of 'unIslamic content'? Hello, who was the idiot who said that? Has he noticed that the whole of the world wide web is filled with unIslamic content?
Are they taking away the internet too then? HUH?
Retards.

East or West!

Election day today and I told my mother that we must go vote but clever lady that she is she made up some excuse at every chance.
So we never went.
I don't see the point of not voting. You have the chance, you have the right and you're still going to sit at home and moan about how Pakistan sucks?
The thing that really pisses me off is when people say that voting is a waste. It is not. So maybe none of the parties are worth it, and they're all corrupt, but that doesn't mean you give up all hope and sit at home and do nothing. At least go vote against the party you dislike most. Otherwise you'll be the one crying when they come into power.
And dont' think that one vote can't make a difference. It can. Every drop counts in a bucket of water and the same goes for voting and elections.
No wonder our future looks so bleak.
I'll tell you who the problem is. Adults.

Scotland BuDd!3zxX

A couple of days back Scotland Yard came to the verdict that Benazir had in fact died from a serious head injury brought on by hitting her forehead on the 'sunroof' which actually turned out to be an escape hatch.
So she basically died because of something that was meant to save her from harm. Wooh, irony. Also, I'm sorry but the idea of her getting shot is way cooler than fatal head injury. Would you rather have "OW! My face got shot in!", or "OW! I hit my head!" as your last words? She was a legend. She needed a legendary way to die.
But then again, who is to believe that Scotland Yard got it right, anyways? It's not like they had much evidence to work with, thanks to the government washing up the scene of the crime (They can't wash clean the gurgling sewers' messes but valuable crime scene information? Bring in the water tanker!) and Zardari for not having an autopsy done.
We can never be in an episode of C.S.I.

And screw all that, do you realise our movie, Kitnay Bhutto Maro Gay, is now historically incorrect? Not fair.

Film and Fame

I watched some show about Zibah Khana's reviews. And all I have to say is that I better grow up FAST or else the Pakistani cinema industry will totally get revolutionized before I can even get my hands on it! What will I do then? Direct lowly advertisements? "Fairy Herbal Fairness Cream- Just do it to believe it"?
I wish I were one of those child geniuses. The ones who graduate out of college at the age of 14. But then if I were one of those I'd probably have majored in medicine or law or something like that. So I guess it's better this way.
Also, I must watch Zibah Khana and see what's so great about it.
Do you realise we never got around to filming my incredibly rough screenplay based on Tafreeh Inn? The horror movie where everyone dies? I guess I can blame the fact that should we have gathered the cast along and tried to go through with it, it would just have been a helping hand in murderous plans plotted towards each other by half the group. Body parts might be found under the beds next cleaning. People might have actually died.
I'll be more careful with my casting next time.
Also since filming of Kitnay Bhutto Maro Gay 2 has been delayed because of Anum and Aliza, MAJOR CHARACTERS, having plans.
Plans. I ask you! What can be more important than being part of a successful film about politics, love, and um, like stuff. Actually, there's no love in it. Wow, what is in that movie? I have no idea.
Apparently football matches and tuitions are more important.
Dang.

A drum, A drum, Macbeth doth come

First in order, Macbeth is most definitely bipolar and possibly on 'shrooms.
And Lady Macbeth is a gold-digging bitch. And apparently she goes crazy later on but if you ask me they're both already quite far out of their minds. Out of city limits AT LEAST.

Got Naveen a poster of PPP 'cause it had Bilawal on it but when I got home and examined it, it turns out it's NOT a PPP poster. No. It's a PPPP poster. Four P's. Over and over. What does the extra P stand for? Pajero? Pepsi? Pants?
Any ideas?

Note: My janam din's near. Ya'll better get me Nick OR ELSE.

:[

Threat to blow up mosques today.
You let me near these fools and I'mma beat them UP.

Aziza Reviews Her Top 5 Kids' Movies

...'cause she's run out of things to write on.

1) The Labyrinth
An excellent piece of cinematography. Drunk puppets + Helping Hands + David Bowie? There can be no better kids' movie. My favorite of all times, resulting in a pretty raped tape.
Story line: Sarah must race against the clock through an insane Enid-Blyton-on-drugs labyrinth to rescue her baby brother from the clutches of song-singing, deliciously evil David Bowie (in powder-blue tights!)
Lesson taught: You better think twice before damning your siblings. Getting them back can prove mighty difficult.

2) Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie
Guess what? This one was supposed to have David Bowie, too! As King Neptune, but I don't think it does.
Watch the best of Spongebob and Patrick with awesome ridicule of masculinity and maturity, backed by catchy songs. Brilliant.
Story line: Little bitch Plankton steals King Neptune's crown and makes Mr. Krabs his scapegoat. Now Spongebob, with Patrick's companionship, must defy the constraints of being a kid to find the head-dress in six days time before Mr. Krabs gets zapped and Plankton takes over Bikini Bottom. Crucial help given by: Rock 'n' roll, bebeh.
Lesson taught: Mentally retarded and homosexual folk are people, too. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, okay?

3) Hunchback of Notre Dame
Only Disney animated movie worth the view. The hero is not a flowing hair-tuxedo combo hottie (since when is flowing hair that hot, anyways?). He is deformed and the movie is delightful. The villain falls into a lava-like pit of fire, COME ON! Way cool.
Story line: Acrobatic, bell-ringing hunchback Quasimoto and radical pole-dancing gypsy Esmerelda- stereotyped minorities in Paris preyed on by woman-less perv and Master of Parisians, Frollo. They leap, fight, and sing their way out of oppression but don't get together. Why???
Lesson taught: Do not listen to the talking gargoyles you happen to live with. Also, do not trust any blonds of the flowing hair variety with your (possible) girl.

4) Toy Story
An extra push to my already diminishing sanity. Reason why I now believe that all that exists on earth has feelings. Even dairy produce. If i choose not to fry the cracked egg, will it think I'm discriminating against it because of its disability?
Story line: Andy's cowboy doll, Woody, feels threatened by the new spaceman doll, Buzz. Pixar's first 3-D animation triumph which starts as a battle for toy-box superiority, ends with realisation of equality; ever-lasting friendship.
Lesson taught: Treat your toys equally or risk a Chucky/ Toy Soldiers-esque scene unfolding. Though, ofcourse, Chucky was alive because of a soul dwelling in it.

5) Jumanji
Who has NOT watched this movie? Robin Williams in one of his better roles, in my opinion, better than RV atleast. A far better film than that (not so) new board game movie Zathura or whatever. Zapora? I think it's Zathura. Does it even matter? Jumanji all the way, baby!
Story line: Kids find magical board game. Game is evil. Wild animals chase them around, local zoo gets chance to add to its attractions. Game must be played till the end for everything to go back to normal.
Result: highly odd, non-fatal action.
Lesson taught: If you find a board game that seems a bit too advanced for your decade and declares misty, threatening messages on its screen, DO NOT PLAY IT. Destroy it! Otherwise you will end up with a tail and a jungle man for a companion. Stick with Monopoly.

Lawalib

http://hs.facebook.com/group.php?gid=16865575242

This is Naveen's Facebook group for Bilawal Bhutto.

Okay, so Bilawal Bhutto is the new chairperson for Pakistan People's Party after the death of his mother and everybody just LOVES him because, and I quote Anum here, "Go Bilawal, you're so HOT!"
And he is not, he looks sleepy all the time.

Anyways, this is not so much a post for reveling in his beauty. But isn't it so obvious that this is a super-sly move on Asif Zardari's part, for his own benefit?
Firstly, I totally do think Zardari should be a full-on suspect for Benazir's assassination because apparently he's the one who told her to pop out the sunroof and wave to the masses, resulting in three bullets in her head. That was, like, Phase 1 (no, not of D.H.A, you idiot, of his master plan!).
So okay, Benazir's dead. Now he pulls out the secret weapon (I feel like an absolute fool saying this): his miraculously hot son BILAWAL!
Play the organ! Play the organ!
Alright then, Bilawal has strung the heart strings of many a female after his press conference with his dad with his fancy British accent and sensitive-boy emotions. So that's Phase 2.
Phase 3 is letting it be known that Bilawal studies at Oxford, will be back once he's graduated. Long enough time for his little fans to grow up and be old enough to vote for him when he comes back (by the way, back when I was fooled into thinking he might actually be hot- thanks, Nav- I had the same idea. So this is not at all condescending a remark).
So he comes back, all the little girls go vote for him- "Ooh, I'm voting for the hottie"- and then he gets to be a puppet Prime Minister with Mr. 10 Percent at the real reigns.
ISN'T THAT SO CLEVER? And evil, too, duh.

Now before Naveed (or Naveen) comes along and points it out, I do see that my theory has quite a few loopholes because, well, for one there aren't enough 15-year-old girls in Pakistan for a majority vote.

But you know what? My point here is that all those specified Bilawal lovers- do not vote for him. He will not marry you for it and he will not save our country. I doubt many can, and especially not a kid who doesn't even know Urdu and has never even lived in Pakistan.
Also, if he does decide to get with lucky little you, do you really want some lady named Boozie Suzie at your wedding?: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=506355&in_page_id=1770

Keyboard 5656

Hello this is Naveen's blog. My name is Naveen, I am 15 years old and will turn older~~~~~~~

YEAH, NIGGA
BITE ME.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, back to Aziza. I'm at Nav's and was going to post proper stuff but you know what? Her keyboard is shit. I made a new year's resolution to not curse but that is the best way to decribe it and anyways, WHEN have I ever kept my resolutions?
Oh, my God, it's the funniest thing EVER none of the numbers work except for 5 and 6. And so none of the special characters work either except for % and ^.
It's 56% DiZaBl3d^!
I have to copy-paste my exclaimation marks from the other posts on my blog. Naveen doesn't even use exclaimation marks, she compensates for them with ~
Ha~ Ha~ Ha~
This is my favorite new toy. Naveen's disabled keyboard.

I was right!

I said that this month was that of tragedy. And no one agreed. Do you see now??
We had half the month under emergency. A train got derailed. Gulgee got murdered. Benzair Bhutto got assassinated. And now we're all locked up at home and can't even think of celebrating New Year's without imagining getting shot in the head (or maybe my imagination is too vivid and, um, violent).
FUN.
This is so the Winter of Gloom.
Let's make a movie on it!
Oh wait, we can't. WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING!
Thanks, JerkWhoKilledBhutto.

More drama.

See, I was JUST wondering why Pakistan had been so calm for a week now. And BAM, Benazir gets assassinated.
I was at Mr. Old Books in Khadda Market at the time, selling off my Nancy Drews and the store guy turned up the T.V. volume and the newscaster's like "Benazir Bhutto jaan bahak ho gaiy hain" and there were actually a bunch of people in the store so everyone crowded around the T.V. except for this girl who was busy flirting with the guy behind the counter.
The guy was not even hot.

Anyways, Anum and I had a long, politically-rich (if you can believe it) talk once I got home. And Anum was super-sad 'cause she just got some PPP t-shirts a few days back, how will she wear them now? It is a waste, really. Also, she really wanted to go ice-skating this Saturday but ofcourse that's not happening now.
In a rare moment of feeling totally solemn I said that she should think about poor Benazir Bhutto who'll never get to go ice-skating now and Anum started laughing at me because she thought of that as a completely insincere remark on my part.
You can see how highly my friends think of me! Geez.
But Anum did say that it was tragic that the most educated political leader got killed. Education has no place in our country, obviously.

I texted Aliza who's in Pindi to see how she was doing and she was all "What happened? Was there a bomb blast? I don't know. Anyways, I'm on my way to Pindi."
Haha, oblivious Aliza!

So now Benazir Bhutto is dead and Karachi is about to erupt, most probably. I was watching BBC World and the newscasters were all "And Benazir Bhutto wasn't a great politician anyways" and "Do you think this was part of Pervez Musharraf's agenda?"
Our country is an international joke, it seems to me.
Like that time when the whole Lal Masjid thing went down and the newscaster on Fox News was smirking as he went "And the leader of this organization tried to make his escape wearing a woman's burqa".
That was pretty funny, actually.

Whatever, suicide bombing is SO our country's national sport now. Screw hockey.

Development of Water Resources.

Huma Naz is a highly sick individual who should be hanged for her crimes towards the youth of Pakistan. What kind of perverted kicks does she get from making us learn about reservoirs? It's only a wonder.
I am, by now, a half-empty shell of the worthy and productive being I once was. Cramming in useless knowledge about salinity and siltation and forcing out youthful memories of happiness, dreams, and wishes.
Is this the future of our country? Mindless worshipers of Huma Naz and Farkhanda Noor Muhammad's every word? I would tell you the answer if I knew. I don't.
I do know, however, that the Tarbela Dam is the world's largest earth-filled dam! Wow!

Also, this blog needs advertising. It's readership is dying. And it was already not much to begin with. But atleast the dead wife of Liaqat Ali is interested in what I have to say!

God help me

I need to stop checking my horoscope. Today's said "You might get a lot of flak from someone you care about" which has kinda been the story of my life ever since yesterday when I announced to my parents that I failed Maths this term with 51%, grade E.
I don't even KNOW why I had to tell them that, I could have easily kept the information to myself and let my report card do the talking. But it was kinda quiet in the car at one point and I was all "Well maybe I should start a conversation". And that is just the kind of thinking that ends with me in trouble most of the time.
So anyways, that's not the reason why I'm now boycotting horoscope reading. It also said " You have much more get-up-and-go than in the past. As a result, you'll accomplish a lot". I was totally planning on doing my Maths past papers today and then I read stupid Dawn and decided to let fate take it's course.
Doing so, I did not even make the effort to open my past papers book, thinking "Well it's gonna happen when it's gonna happen. My horoscope said I'll accomplish a lot today so I will. Eventually." And now I know I never will. I depend on the words of Jacqueline Bigar far too much.
So I'm going to fail Maths and drop out of school and become a children's book writer 'cause that sounds like a nice job. I can imagine Anum disagreeing as she reads this and possibly even laughing.
Well, I can try.

I watched Om Shanti Om last night, trying to get with the changing times and I was going to say that I have new appreciation for Indian cinema (similar to the type I got after watching Rang De Basanti last month) BUT, that can now no longer happen. Because the movie was SO LONG! It was almost never-ending. Especially that stupid "All the hot girls put your hands in the air" song. I do not care if it was a scene showcasing Bollywood legends. It was so annoying. Maybe if the song wasn't so stupid it wouldn't have been half as bad but geez.
And yeah, the stupid Worldcall 15-minute breaks had something to do with my wanting to rip out my hair, too.
Anyways, it was an okay film. I liked the scenes with flying stuff, like leafs and all. And the whole filmy feel of the movie.

To speak of school, all my teachers are drug-addicts. Along with Miss Sohaila, who I suspect took 15 rupees for 5-rupees worth of photocopies so she can spend the rest of the ten rupees on crack, Miss Shaheen has joined the club. We had an Ayat-ul-Kursi test yesterday (another Saturday =/) and Anoushay recited half of that surah and forget the rest so added in lines of another surah and got 10 out of 10 marks.
All I have to say is, Anoushay's going to Hell.

Also, to all those who want to know: My Dora clips have died. Elfy is meant to be super strong YET it was unsuccessful in sticking together the Dora hair clips. I just don't get this. I think they're cursed.

Billy Boy.

I want everyone who reads this blog to comment.


This is Bill O'Reilly. Imagine him with a wispy, white beard. Doesn't he TOTALLY look like a Chinese warlord?
I don't see why Google has such fancy pictures of him, posing in subdued light and whatnot. I'm so sure people convicted for child molestation or whatever it was he was accused of are that big stud-muffin wannabes.

And has anyone else noticed the headline in the second picture? Do so.

Here's the Church, here's the steeple.

Watched an excellent documentary yesterday on marriages on National Geographic. It featured child marriages in India, polygamy in Sudan and same-sex marriages in Europe. The best were the child marriages, though the gay marriages were pretty cool too.
Though, it must be said, the gay couple was definitely cuter than the lesbian one. The groom and groom looked adorable together. Kinda like brothers, but um, that's just wrong. But the child marriages were better 'cause one of the brides totally broke down and was taken down the 'altar' sobbing her head off and the groom was all worried about being stuck with this little wreck now.

Anyways. those kids had it good because today we had school. Yes, on a SATURDAY- it's all that meanie Bhutto's fault who just had to waltz into our already perilous city and bomb 600 people. Anum, like many, didn't want to come to school but we all had to go 'cause the conniving admin had scheduled the History test for today and it could not be missed. Only the kids with Diwali got to give the test on Monday. Anum was fully prepared to turn Hindu for a day and was planning on getting a letter announcing her change of religion signed by her mum to give into the office BUT her mother, God bless her, would not encourage such (clever) blasphemy.
Which is good because Anum would make a terrible Hindu. When I said "Oh, cool, so you won't have to take Islamiat either!" she said "No, I will take Islamiat". I asked her why and she went "Because, you know, I'm not practicing the religion, just reading about it. And Hindus like reading! I think. They do, na?"
It's a blessing Anum was not in the Muslin League before partition or she would have easily killed any chances of us having an independent country, I am sure.

Speaking of school, Crazy Week starts with Monday. It's going to be alternate days of supposed "craziness" where we dress weird. Monday is Crazy Shoes Day. I'm so sure school is going to be a blast when I'm wearing random shoes! Oh, my God, it's gonna be so much fun!
I wrote a poem on it last night when I was supposed to be studying for the History test, except that too is quite lame, as the whole idea of Crazy Week itself. The poem is also the reason I got 16 out of 25 in said test.

I also Elfy-ed the Dora the Explorer clips together last night after cracking open my History book and they look WAY better now.
I am also happy to report that Fox News is back. I celebrated with watching The Factor with Bill O'Reilly, Bill being someone who can totally pass for an evil Chinese warlord if he gets a beard (emphasis on the evil, please).

As an ending point I would just like to clarify that I am totally up for polygamy and premature marriages as long as I'm the polygamous spouse and I get to marry Gel Boy.
He is the cutest 7th grader to ever exist. No arguments.

Bitch, shut up!

On the way home from school yesterday I saw spray-painted on a wall near my house "Katil Musharaf ko phansi charhao", i.e. Hang Musharaf, the murderer (I totally learned Translation in Urdu class two days ago).
And right on it's side it said, also in spray-paint, "Go, Musharaf, Go!"
That is the state our country is in.
Also, I still haven't gotten my Fox News back, BUT I think World Call felt my pain so they've given us these other channels like America Plus and Show Comedy and Show Movies Family. So I guess it's not such a bad thing that our country is in a state of emergency 'cause now I can watch better movies than Stuart Little.
And as you can see, I've started using my font enhancers like the italicize-r.

Speaking of Stuart Little, I totally watched Stuart Little 2 a couple of days ago, and dear God, is the entire Little family RETARDED? No offense to actual mentally ill people but I'm sure even they don't say crap like "Little high, little low! Little hey, little ho!" And it's a story about a strangely goody-goody family which adopts a talking rodent. How this movie even made it to the studios is beyond me.

There was an excellent scene at school today. After recess Javeria stood at the door of our class and Miss Nilofer, the principal, was standing right across the courtyard. This is what happened, as told by Javeria, herself:

Miss N: Where are you going?
Javeria: Um, the washroom.
Miss N: What the hell?
Javeria: Bitch, shut up!

And then she got suspended. Haha, okay she didn't 'cause she never said any of this but she totally reported this as what they were talking about so I don't know what actually went down. I think I'm the only one who found this funny, though. I think it's the way Javeria said it.

And my Dora the Explorer clips are a total rip-off! The Dora part has come off of ALL the clips. I paid full retail for them and THIS is what I get? It wasn't even written that it's supposed to be an activity pack or I wouldn't be whining about it. Why do i have to stick the damned things together myself?
China is a female dog. It is no longer a friend of mine. Cheap-ass betrayer.

America sucks (lead).

I GOT A COMMENT!! Good, old Myra.

To now speak all composed and such, martial law has NOT been imposed. As of yet. But my cable still hasn't gotten any news channels back except for PTV. PTV? Who watches PTV?? I want Fox News back! That is just about the only thing I watch these days. They're denying me of Fox & Friends!!! And other horribly one-sided shows which I hate but still religiously watch for reasons unknown to me (guilty pleasure?).
Texted Nav this morning saying "All my peeps in the crib say 'Yeeeeah!'" and she replied "This is no time to say 'Yeeeah!'- our country is under martial law!". But she's still toned it down a bit, 'cause I met her at Sunday Bazaar and she only said martial law about twice. I, however, can't stop talking about it. Or China. Especially not China.
Which brings me to my new theory on the China lead-in-toys controversy. See, Newsweek is all like China is going to be a superpower soon and so MAYBE China is filling up all these toys with lead so that America's Generation AA dies of lead poisoning, devastating the entire nation and then, in their moment of weakness, China attacks.
Or something like that, you know?
I know China is Pakistan's ally and I shouldn't be letting out such possibly top secret information but like it matters, anyways. People caught on. The jig is up. Take back your Thomas the Tank Engine, China.
Though I still do not get why all these kids have to stuff their toys into their mouth. Play with them, you fools!

Anyways, I got totally rad Dora the Explorer hair clips today and they were made in China so my loyalties lie with them, in the end. And you know what China needs to start mass-producing? As a national good? Pencils.

Martial Law

Naveen texted me today going "MARTIAL LAW IMPOSED! We're all gonna die! Aaaaaah!" Though, technically, it's going to be declared at 8 p.m.
Hold on, I just noticed it's 8 already. Whatever. So now we're a country under martial law. Naveen is in a state of panic. It is comforting, how optimistic she is about it. She keeps going on about how we're all going to die and how we have no future if we stay in Pakistan. So she suggests we migrate to anywhere but Iran and Syria because "they're about to get bombed". China sounds nice 'cause I always wanted to go there and get Chairman Mao wrist watches, the ones where his hand moves in a wave with every second that ticks by.
Since our new system of law has harsher punishments, it's better we move because there are many people here that I'm so ready to kill and maybe one day I'll snap and do it. And then it'll be all death penalty for Aziza.
I wonder what martial really means since the word describes a law and an art. I have wikipedia open so I searched on it except all I got was a brief bio of some Latin poet.

Okay, I checked on some dictionary site and martial means war-like. Which explains a LOT.

So yeah, we're dead. Now to decide where to move. I say China! I can drop out of school and work in some toy factory and pour lead into Dora the Explorer dolls.