Goodbye, Blogger

We had a nice relationship but I can not take your attitude problem anymore.
Operations have now been shifted to WordPress, which has an attitude of its own but perhaps I will learn to love it.

Click it or ticket.

K, BAI NAO.

Word.

I'm really fucking annoyed by people who're annoyed by cursing.
Why can I not say fuck if I want to? For some reason the fact that curse words are just words seems to completely elude everyone. And at one point in time most 'bad' words weren't bad at all. They changed to that over time. Am I the only kid around here who actually knows what the word twat meant back in Old English? Probably. Unfortunately.

I just really don't understand how it's okay for someone to bang their foot into something and say "FUDGE!" or "SHOOT!" or "CRAP!" and not okay for me to do the same and say their actual alternatives.
Actually, how is saying fudge or shoot or crap any better than fuck or shit? A curse word is a profane or obscene word, esp. as used in anger or for emphasis [dictionary.com]. Now who decided which word is profane or obscene? Society did. By using certain words in such a certain sense. So if you're using certain words in the same sense as these deemed curse words, does that not make it cursing, too? YES IT DOES, DUMBASS.
And if you're going to sit atop your high horse on stilts and not swear at all then maybe you should revise your normal speech. Here's another definition for you: Profane - characterized by irreverence or contempt for God or sacred principles or things; irreligious.
"Oh, my God!"
That's swearing. You're taking God's name in vain. Especially when you go "Oh, my God, I dropped my jellybeans waaaaahhhh!!!"
Irreligious.
And, "I swear!"
As in "I swear, this is like the cutest bag I have ever seen!"
Yeah, I don't know how obvious it has to be but when you swear on idiotic things like that, you're not being very pious at all! I'm sure you've seen a cuter bag in your life, and so that makes you oath null and void. Shame on you. You broke your own word just by speaking it.

So don't tell me not to curse, because you're doing it, too. All the time.
And those people who think girls can't/shouldn't curse, please go eat your gender studies textbook. The argument of "we're ladies" is absolutely defunct. Lady, ever heard of gentlemen? I doubt it because apparently it's okay for boys to not be gentlemanly and curse but oh dear, girls HAVE to be ladies. No choice there.
Shoot! Fudge that crap.

Canssexual

I can feel the tranny looovve!
And so can the Chief Justice because just three days back he announced a hijra recognition!

SO NOW THE HIJRAS HAVE RIGHTS!!!

Hijra's are now protected by law and can start businesses and have access to their own share from the Benazir funds for the needy and rejected. I am so happy I can not explain.
One small step for the Chief Justice, one giant leap for Pakistan.
Now we're about as cool as India. Well, just almost.

The milkshake will only have two straws now.

Archie Comics were such slut comics. Seriously why didn't anyone ever find them as morally corrupt? To bring you to the gist of it, these kids spent 70 years just dating amongst each other. And that's pretty much it!
All-American Archie was obviously a playboy with, at a basic count, three girls that he regularly alternated between- Betty, Veronica, Cheryl. These three girls were homewreckers. I fully recall a story where Archie decided to openly play the field and to get back at him Betty and Veronica stole all the Riverdale girls' boyfriends so that Archie would have to take the ditched girls out on dates while their boyfriends were preoccupied (and so Archie would go broke).
And everyone has had a (heterosexual) kiss with everyone in the series! I clearly even remember Veronica and Cheryl kissing asexual Jughead.

Therefore the news that ace reporter Naveen Z. has dug up for us surprises me. Apparently Archie is marrying Veronica.

Which I suppose is expected since Archie was clearly always in love with Veronica. Didn't he ditch Betty for her all the time? But since when are they all into commitment and fidelity? I really doubt the strength of this union. I am sure in the upcoming issues we will be finding out about Veronica's secret affairs with random men and perhaps Archie going back to Betty now and again.
Betty will definitely stay around to be Archie's mistress.
Or maybe not. Look at her there on the comic cover: she looks grief-stricken. Perhaps issue #602 will show her slitting her wrists?

Only time will tell. But let me tell you this. Archie Comics were definitely what inspired Gossip Girl, with everyone dating everyone. Or at least the comics inspired the show until the part where everyone on the show becomes each other's brother and sister.
Gossip Girl is like the freaking Brady Bunch now, except slightly more incestuous and hella more glamourous. Treading new ground that Archie Comics never reached.

Either way, the comics appear to have grown up. But I think the evil agenda is still intact. It is highly possible that this change has only come to now be able to teach children about adultery. And yes, I do completely believe that Archie Comics has an agenda in the first place. Because, if you never realised for yourself, they have nothing else going for them. They aren't even funny.

Still there

Why does my dentist talk to me when he knows I can't respond since he has his hands in my mouth?

Doctor's orders

As I ate a mango yesterday it occurred to me that doctors always tell you to eat fresh fruit. But who even eats stale fruit? Certainly not those who can afford doctors!

Oh, Jacko.

Another day, another obituary. Is this blog depressing or what? I feel like one of those emo bloggers who write horrible poetry (read "random lines about their 'pain'") in red font. Yeah, anyways.

Michael Jackson has died.

And if you didn't know that until now, what is wrong with you?
I'm actually pretty sad about it because he was my favourie singer a whole bunch of years back. He was actually the first singer I ever liked. And I listened to only him for like 3 years. Just him. Seriously. But I wasn't really spoilt for choice back then anyways, and MJ > Hilary Duff.
It's also kind of weird because after having (very successfully) taught myself how to use uTorrent, I wondered yesterday if I should download all the Michael Jackson albums I used to have on cassette. I DIDN'T.
And then he died.
So, really, all of you should be very afraid of me and my thoughts. Apparently they kill a lot more efficiently than looks.

Here are two pictures of Michael Jackson,

one which I found fitting to the theme

and another which I have always thought as being the sweetest MJ picture ever. Which is why it was the only picture of him that I ever saved on my computer.

"Crazy courage, crazy intelligence, yo."

You may think this is a part of a rap, a song recorded by a man who thinks he's the shit. Doesn't it sound that way?
If you agree, ping!, one point. It is a rap.
What if I were to tell you it's a tribute? Do you agree to it sounding like it could be a tribute? Yes? Another point.
Whom to? Biggie? Tupac? Neither?
Neither.
It's a tribute to Benazir Bhutto. You don't have to guess who it's by. It's by her daughter. Bakhtawar Bhutto.
I am not joking. AND I AM SO GLAD I'M NOT JOKING BECAUSE THIS SONG IS THE BEST.



Three days back was Benazir's birthday. Best birthday present ever? Indeed.
Thus I have decided that the 21st was the day that really, honestly made us all proud to be Pakistanis. Because not only did Pakistan win the World Cup against Sri Lanka, we as a nation discovered that our president's daughter is a truly amazing rapper (the word amazing can be seen in many different lights here).
The Americans are obsessed with their presidents' daughters [First Daughter, My Date With The President's Daughter]. If they had our president and his daughter, they'd have a field day! WE NEED TO MARKET HER SKILLZ, YO.
I am fully willing to produce her first album. Please believe it to be your patriotic duty to donate to my Bakhtawar Bhutto Album Production Fund and then buy an original, not-pirated copy when it's released too! Thanks! Mad love, bitches.

"Darling, don't you go and cut your hair..."

You know that things are bad when the hijras stop making an effort.
What's happened to them? I thought transvestites would care about how they look considering that their whole existence depends on how they look. But lately I've been seeing so many that think that they're hijras just because they throw a scarf around their neck and prance around, swinging their hips.
I saw one yesterday on the way home from tuitions and he was pretty much the laziest cross-dresser I have ever seen. Just a man in normal, manly, white shalwar kameez with a black flimsy dupatta and a plain ol' black sack of a handbag. Seriously? Dude, don't squeak, "Baby, paisay de do na" at me if you're not even going to grow your hair and wear decent shoes. No self-respecting hijra would even try on those awful chapals.
Either it's the economy dying that's resulted in this- like when the Japanese geishas didn't look like geishas no more (surely someone must agree with me that the hijras are like our geishas? They dance too!)- or it's because of the Taliban problem. You know, like if they come around one can just ditch the dupatta and fling away the purse and instantly turn into a inconspicious man.
But it's quite concerning.

And just for the record the best hijras are at Khadda Market.

Java Update

I made my first mug of coffee for CIE 2009 last night.
For a child, I am grossly dependent on caffeine.

Dragging out the clues

And further discussion has lead us to a completely new Shakespeare theory:

[14:56] *unicef Myra.: I'd prolly marry Hamlet if I had a choice between Shakespearean guys
[14:56] *unicef Myra.: but it's slim picking, cause they're all pretty sissy.
[15:03] David Bowie: I really liked that guy in Midsummer Night's Dream. Lysander
[15:03] *unicef Myra.: who was in, what was that play called... the one where the girl pretends to be the guy?
[15:03] *unicef Myra.: UGH I FORGOT THE NAME!!!
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: the one they made into that horrible Amanda Bynes movie
[15:04] David Bowie: oh oh
[15:04] David Bowie: Twelfth Night
[15:04] David Bowie: NO NO
[15:04] David Bowie: Merchant of Venice
[15:04] David Bowie: NO it was Twelfth Night
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: no Twelfth Night was chill.
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: yeah it was
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: Merchant of Venice was with Shylock
[15:04] *unicef Myra.: the annoying Jewish guy
[15:04] David Bowie: yeah
[15:04] David Bowie: but they both have women dressing up as men
[15:05] David Bowie: Shakespeare sure was into tranny-hood.
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: because HE WAS ONE TOO
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: ON THE INSIDE
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: I think if Shakespeare was here now, he'd be a drag queen
[15:05] David Bowie: WHAT IF SHAKESPEARE IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN?
[15:05] David Bowie: WAS ACTUALLY A WOMAN?
[15:05] *unicef Myra.: maybeee
[15:05] David Bowie: Dressed up as a man? All along?
[15:05] David Bowie: WHATTA BLOW TO THE LITERARY STANDING OF MEN
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: that'd be GREAT
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: if he were a woman
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: cause then we could truly say that women were the better writers
[15:06] *unicef Myra.: CAUSE WE'D HAVE SHAKESPEARE ON OUR SIDE
[15:06] David Bowie: YEAHHHH
[15:07] David Bowie: Omg what if she's revealing our secret to us?
[15:07] David Bowie: Like right now!
[15:07] David Bowie: because we're feminists and uh wonderful writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: OMG
[15:07] David Bowie: or close to being okay writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: WE COULD HAVE A HISTORICAL THRILLER HERE!!!!!
[15:07] David Bowie: or just writers
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: we'd be like Dan Brown, BUT COOLER
[15:07] *unicef Myra.: cause our thing would be TRUE
[15:07] David Bowie: THIS IS FREAKING BRILLIANT
[15:08] David Bowie: We are solving the bestest biggest mystery EVERRRR
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: NACE
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: thanks Shakespeare, we got your back
[15:08] *unicef Myra.: you're one of the girls now

Women: 1. Men: 0.
Except if Shakespeare really is using mind control to make us blog about her, this narcisssm is actually quite characteristic of men. The male ego which is the cause of wars, famine, and getting lost on road trips.

Bummer.

Will(iam) you forgive us?

I finally bugged Myra into posting on her blog. This is what she posted:
Avoiding Wrathful Friends

It's about the stupidity of Taylor Swift and Romeo, who is featured in Taylor Swift's song.

Did you know I've posted about Romeo too? I have:
"And I want mine in skinny jeans!"

And the underlying theme of both our posts is exactly the same. You know what else is exactly the same? THE DATE WE WROTE THESE ON. Go look! I wrote mine on April 26 of last year. She wrote hers on April 26 of this year.
That's today.
There's something else that happened today too. April 26th is Shakespeare's estimated BIRTH DATE.

How creepy is that????

We're freaking out. What if we are Shakespeare's Chosen Ones? What if he is controlling our minds from beyond the grave? What if he's trying to get his point across through us? That's Myra's theory.
But here's mine: What if he's haunting us for making fun of Romeo?
What if, like, Naveen tells Myra that I have died? And Myra comes back to Karachi and poisons herself and I, who was alive all along, wake up and stab myself?
We're not Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers, but what if that is how Shakespeare wants to punish us???

We're afraid. Very afraid.
But we haven't learnt our lesson:
[14:45] *unicef Myra.: I am truly creeped out by this.
[14:45] David Bowie: me tuz.
[14:45] David Bowie: :[
[14:45] *unicef Myra.: wow, who knew Romeo would be this weird?
[14:54] David Bowie: well he did go about calling out to Juliet in front of her balcony
[14:54] David Bowie: and getting into fights and killing people
[14:54] David Bowie: and then killing himself with poison
[14:54] David Bowie: You know I really should get off his case now.
[14:54] *unicef Myra.: eh, he was just asking to get hit. I'm sure if he hadn't offed himself, someone from the Capulets would have anyway
[14:55] *unicef Myra.: I know, but he has a lot riding against him for being such a romantic hero
[14:55] *unicef Myra.: I would never want to marry a guy who wasn't smart enough to check if I was ACTUALLY dead
[14:56] David Bowie: I know right? Whatta loser.

We should be on Most Haunted now. Or TAPS. Or under psychiatric treatment. It could be our subconscious messing with us.
BUT HOW DID MY SUBCONSCIOUS FIND OUT SHAKESPEARE'S DATE OF BIRTH?

"Sex and marijuana will kill your nation's youth!" - by Naveed Tariq

Reading up on Aziza's blog a few things came to mind, coincidentally or maybe not so coincidentally related to the last few of her entries.

Zong. It is evil. It is here to corrupt Pakistan's youth.

And in the ever fashionable conspiracy-theorists' way, I have very little to supposrt my claim. BUT, the little I do have is so groundbreaking, so unimaginable, so HORRENDUS, that when you read it you will most likely want go outside right now and eat lots of Dairy Milk.

Zong, it rhymes. What with I hear you ask? SHLONG! BONG!

SHLONG BONG! SEX AND MARIJUANA! The two very things that are eroding America's adolesents have been sent here to wreck havoc!

And I don't care if Zong is owned by China Mobile, it's all the Illuminati's fault!

Shlong, Bong, Zong.

Don't buy Zong. Evil hai.

Wordy

[Hey, my posts are turning out linked this time!]

Naveen texted me about it and so I entered a Zong-City FM 89 poetry competition. With RePublic Display of Affection. The prize is a new phone of your choice.
But I will not win it because even though Zong's slogan is "sub keh do" I know they will censor me because they are cowards and not revolutionary. Despite being a Chinese company.
They'll probably go for some lovey dovey poem instead. Or something off someone's emo blog. They will not let me keh do sub.

However, should I win, do you think they will let me test if my potentional new cellphone's dictionary has the word 'bitch' in it?

Oh, by the way

My cellphone's dictionary does not actually allow me to type out 'bitch'. Instead it says 'citag'.
Citag.
What is this sexism, I ask you? The dictionary can spell out 'dog' perfectly well, but not 'bitch'. WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS SAMSUNG BUT A BITCH HAPPENS TO BE A FEMALE DOG. Stupid discriminating Koreans.
I should write to them a letter. Get a petition signed. Release wild citags at them to rip them apart.
Shame on them.
And shame on me for being unable to boycott them since this is the only cellphone I have. (sigh)

Yeah-yeah

This is it. My friendship with Naveen is over. We are no longer what we used to be. And it is all her fault.
All I did was text her about how I have been contemplating with my father the prospect of me joining the army and then eventually becoming the next dictator of Pakistan. Well, pardon me for expecting love and support from my best friend. Because the following conversation is what I got instead:
N (Naveen): HEY BITCH BACK OFF I'M THE NEXT DICTATOR.
A (Aziza): OH PLEASE YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DICTATORSHIP WAS UNTIL I JUST MENTIONED IT AND YOU CHECKED YOUR DICTIONARY.
N: OH PLEASE AS IF YOU DID BITCH LET'S SEE WHO WINS. You can be the Zardari to my Musharraf.
A: I DON'T WANT DEMOCRACY. MARTIAL LAW! Let's see which one of us gets through boot camp, bitch.
N: You don't even know how to tie your laces (LIBEL! I fully know how to tie my laces, WITH the bunny ears AND the loop-de-loop)!
A: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BOOT IS (well, fine, this is not true either because I'm sure I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't know what a boot was). I'm so gonna get your ass impeached.

I have not received a response to this from her yet. But what does it matter? What's said is said. She has made her dictatorship thieving plans clear to me.
IT'S ON, NAV.

We are so freaking Pakistani.

Fer Sherrrr

Another Long March (in March!) is pending. The government is forcing news channels to close down and restrict what information the public receives. Sherry Rehman has resigned. Samaa channel's building is up in flames. It appears that Martial Law may make a comeback.

Meanwhile, in true Pakistani fashion, we are all busy joking around. Or atleast my mother is. She and her friends have been discussing the many reasons why our Information Minister may possibly have resigned, which I list out for you now:
1. She has run out of outfits.
2. Her eyebrow-shaper has passed away.
3. She has run out of the various baubles she wears in her ears.
4. Her makeup supply has just finished.

But my mother insists that it is because Sherry's plastic surgeons have told her that they cannot stretch her face out anymore and so she needs to stop stressing and wrinkling it back so much with all the politics. No more face-lifts for her.

FACE!

Colour me purple

Nestle has given me chocolate, juice, Smarties. Nestle has given me a lot. And today Nestle betrayed me. Today I saw it's true colour. And that colour is WHITE.
I made coffee today, you see. To pass time during the electricity's nightly departure. And then I decided to add some Coffee Mate to the mix. Because it was lying around and looked fancy. My father uses it. After pouring in as much as I could dislodge from the container (it was stuck to it, I believe the vapour from the coffee has a part in this), I added some milk to make up. Because naive little me thought that Coffee Mate was just a packaged powder milk. It's not.
Credit goes to my very resourceful brother for this (he also figured out that my photo booth snapshot is actually a STICKER). It is he who told me that Nestle's Coffee Mate is not milk at all. It is coffee whitener. Yes, it does say so on the package, except I didn't read the package because there was no light.
Back to the subject: coffee whitener. Can you believe that? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? Why would anyone just want to whiten their coffee for no reason? What's wrong with black coffee? Is it too African-American for you? YEAH?
It's sick, Nestle. SICK.
And my father is a racist, I suppose.

Rhyme Time

Why is it that whenever I listen to any song based around a girl, the supremely intelligent lyricist can not find any other word to rhyme with 'girl', but 'world'? 'Girl' is not like 'orange'. MANY words rhyme with 'girl'. Here, I've made a list of these words in half a minute flat:

* curl
* whirl
* twirl
* hurl (obviously not for a particularly romantic song)
* swirl
* pearl (Prince has used this one. Good boy.)
* unfurl
* churl
* merle
* Earl

I hope someone learns something from this.

Roffle

If you've been watching any TV at all lately, you may have noticed that there have been many award shows that have taken place recently. Grammys, Golden Globes, Academy Awards- alright, those are the only ones I know of.
But anyways, I'm not going to be addressing the horrendous awarding that took place at either of the events. What I want to talk about is the lack of humour at award shows. ALL award shows. It doesn't matter if it's American, British, Indian, Pakistani, oh God, even if it's Malaysian- why is it that people at award shows never laugh?
You can partly blame the hosts. I mean half of these people's jokes are really hard to understand- the double entendre just doesn't work very often. But then you also have comedians act as hosts on award shows- why does that not work either? Why is the audience so goddamn stubborn? Did all their favourite uncles simultaneously die the day before the show? People will say genuinely funny things and all you will hear from the seats will be a light chuckle. Not even a pity laugh.
Still, I must praise music award shows for being a little less sober. Those film people are dried bread in comparison. God forbid they should laugh. I suppose they worry that their lip colour might peel off, or their hair might unravel, or their bow-tie might loosen, and come on now, they might have to go up on stage and receive an award! They can't possibly look such a mess. Better to sit with a tight smile and look like something's up their asses (I'm sorry, this just really upsets me as is obvious).

What cracks me up is when someone actually wins an award for Best Comedy. How on earth do these people know what comedy even is?

LOUD

There happens to be this one mosquito that buzzes near my ear every night. Every single night. It comes right up to my ear and flaps its wings at me. Last night I had to go to sleep wearing ear muffs (that my father got me this winter for reasons unknown to me) so that I couldn't hear the mosquito.
The mosquito will not let me sleep.
And I have tried bug spray, mosquito coils, Mospel. But nothing has managed to kill this evil, possibly invincible insect.

Why did God even create mosquitoes? Everyone always questions the existence of fruit flies but I understand why we have fruit flies. They are what help in rotting fruit. That's important, because how else would food rot otherwise? There's only fruit flies and fungi.
Okay, this may not be the most valid reason but I still support the underdog.
But mosquitoes? What is the point behind their being? All that they can cause is human death. Either by:
a. Malaria, or
b. Annoying a sleep-deprived person into committing suicide.
And there are already like 45,611,879,592,327 ways for people to die. Accidents, diseases, you name it, it can probably kill a person. Isn't having mosquitoes in this world just for this purpose kind of excessive and unnecessary?

I wish mosquitoes were literate so they could read this post, and realise their self-worth, and just decide on mass-suicide because I can't take it anymore.
Mr. MosquitoKeepMeUpAllNight needs to GO.

Special

Economics makes a second appearance on my blog as I share with you what it has taught me this year.
It has taught me that Pakistan has an inferiority complex. I base this statement on the many attempts by this nation to be one-of-a-kind.

You see, firstly, did you know that there are many types of inflation? There are. The kind of inflation that takes place in Pakistan is called Stagflation. Let me tell you something about stagflation- it is referred to as a unique phenomena. Emphasis on 'unique'. This is because as inflation rises, unemployment rises too with stagflation. Not a good thing.
Also, did you know that most countries have, like, a law that asks foreign businesses to share ownership with local businessmen? Like India's Maruti-Suzuki? Well there are TWO countries in this world that allow foreign investors 100% ownership on businesses they open on their land. One is Brazil. The other is Pakistan. No points on guessing this one, though.
Oh, and Pakistan's Finance Minister? He is a banker. The Finance Minister is supposed to be an economist. They are, in other countries.

This country has real problems. I mean, I get that everyone confuses it with India or Afghanistan and all, and it really just wants to get it's own identity, but come on, this is just kind of pathetic.
Ashlee Simpson, much?

I encourage new theories

Seeing all these birthdays take place in January (and there have been MANY), I have had to wonder- what is so special about April? How come so many children have been conceived in this month?
And is this, in any way, related to April Fools'?

Mind-boggling

Why is it that whenever I play Boggle I always find atleast 3 swear words before I start to find anything I can actually use in my list?

Also, you may have noticed that I now feature a "Followers" section on my blog, even though so far I only have 2. But these 2 followers have encouraged me to add this little gadget to my blog and advertise the fact that I only have two followers.
I don't know if this helping my ego or destroying it.

Sock it to me

I just read that Panic At The Disco's drummer, Spencer Smith, does not wear his socks twice. He wears each pair once and then throws them away.
He buys 3-pair packs from Wal*Mart for $5.
He is not the only one. I remember reading several times before that all these teenage musicians for some reason find it very difficult to wear the smaller articles of their clothing more than once. They'll wear new socks, then take them off and throw them away.
Isn't that incredibly wasteful? Why can't you just wash your socks? What's so difficult about that?
Think of the poor children across the world who wish they had socks for their cold feet, come winter!
And where do they throw them away? Into the trash? Can't they give them to the Salvation Army or whatever their local Edhi is? But if they do, the socks will be all gross and unwashed.
But if they make so much money that they can buy new socks every day, then why can't they hire someone to wash their socks for them before they give them to charity?
Even better, why can't they just hire someone to wash their socks SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BUY NEW ONES CONTINUOUSLY???


What idiots.

Smooth Operator

I called 17 to get the number for Liberty Books. I knew the number had changed from 1-7 to something two digits longer but I couldn't remember what it was. And after it had changed, when I'd call 17 the recording would just tell me the new number.
So I called 17.
And the recorded voice said, "Asalaam-o-alaikum. The number you dailed is not listed. Please contact Inquiry 17 for assistance."

Thanks. A lot.

Also, the number is now 1217. Just so you know.

Call me!

I actually read about this in the newspaper (don't be so shock-and-awed, I only read the front page, once a month) last Saturday and I've been meaning to relay this since but I'm just really lazy. Haw.
Here's a dosage of fun politics for this month:

Now, we all know that after the terror attacks in Mumbai relations between Pakistan an India have been not-that-great. And while we, the everyday citizens, aren't very much affected by this, oh man you can bet that our government is definitely shook up!
Here's what happened: One fine day two weeks back, the government is up to it's usual business, you know, trying to run the country. And this is when the phone rings. It's for President Zardari. It's from India. The caller is the Indian External Affairs Minister- Pranab Mukherjee (I know, awesome name).
Now in case you didn't know this already, calling the President of a country isn't just a pick-and-dial affair. There is a protocol that is followed for all calls to the President. This is basically where they make sure you are who you say you are by making you hold a long while and transferring your call to a bunch of people who take your information and confirm that the call is being made in full honesty.
Not the case this time. I suppose the presidential staff was just so excited at the thought of call from India they decided to skip this routine for once and in no time at all Zardari was on the phone with Mukherjee. This is possibly how the call went:

Z: Good evening, Mukherjee. It is so nice to receive a call-
M: We're going to attack Pakistan.
Z: Wha-?
M: If you don't take action towards the terrorist happenings in Mumbai say bye-bye to your country.
Z: Uh.
M: Well, good bye.

That's quite close to how it apparently did happen! Anyways, Zardari, God bless him, decides to take immediate action. In seconds Pakistan's entire defense has been notified and put on red-alert. There is even thought of transferring the Pakistani troops from the Afghani border to the Indian one. After making the country as safe as possible, Zardari also apparently decided to call him best friend for a bit and tell him what's up, too. This I find very sweet and relate-able. Zardari, I didn't expect this from you.
Encouraged by the success of his call to Zardari and possibly giggling to himself, the caller decides to take a jab at America as well. This time he wants to talk to Condoleeza Rice. But the U.S. is smart and doesn't forward the call. Meanwhile Condoleeza is busy with the phone, too! She's calling up Mr. Mukherjee wanting to know what's going on. Mr. Mukherjee drops a metaphoric bomb- He didn't make any calls to President Zardari. Turns out it was all a hoax.

BESSSSTT! The guy who made the calls must have had the time of his life! How well his plan fell through! The whole world thought that two nuclear nations were about to go to war just because one call wasn't checked through properly! GOOD JOB, PAKISTAN.
And this is how Zardari and his staff made a joke of themselves and their country all across the entire goddamn world.
Creates hope for even the worst prank callers ever, doesn't it?

He's with PETA.

Isn't it frightfully ironic how Nick's birthday is just a day before Bakra Eid?

Wrong!

I find the phrase 'the cat's out of the bag' very disturbing. Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Why would anyone ever bag a cat?
It's very wrong.
Please let all your cats out of their bags.

Economics doesn't teach me what to think. It teaches me how to think.

Breaking News on TV last week said that the Financial Minister hopes that the inflation rate will not rise any further.
Yeah, dude, join the club.

I think I now know why Pakistan is facing this recession and why it's economy has never really been able to flourish as much as it could have. Here's my theory: it is all the fault of our film industry. Yes, I'm talking about you, Lollywood.
I feel it is beyond the ordinary, human ability of counting how many songs in how many movies feature often well-built hero-heroine couples dancing, singing, running, and playing in fields of wheat. Just as wheat is a food staple in the country, kicking about in wheat while singing to your Shabbo is an entertainment staple in our films. What I fail to understand is why do they always have to take this destructive joy to the crops? Why can't they just be like normal people and dance in a cleared space in their dining room or in the lawn?
Why must they crush our agriculture?

Pakistan is an agriculture-based, developing country. Now what do you expect will happen when all these idiots-in-love decide to trample all over our main provider of money? Of course there will be inflation! Geez, only the illiterate 'artists' in our film industry wouldn't know that.
Right now, what I really expect is Meera to be paying the extra 4 rupees on what used to be a 2 rupee roti. You're the fat-ass who danced over God knows how many acres of wheat. Pay up.

Yes, he did!

OBAMA WON!
I've been trying to make this post since eighteen hours now, but load-shedding, lousy internet connectivity and school have been a hindrance. Well here it is now:
HURRAH! He has won! I did not even know how much I liked him until I saw on TV that he's won and that was when I apparently shrieked and jumped around the entire house. That's according to my mother, I do not remember this and I do not understand it, either. I mean it's not even like he's become the Pakistani president or anything (if only!).
Anyways, all I care for is that stuttering, old racist John "Maverick" McCain and paradoxical anti-woman Sarah "Read My Lipstick" Palin have not won


Finally a chance to sing in celebration Javeria and mine rendition of James Blunt's "Goodbye, My Lover" (it goes "Obama Lover/ Obama's friend". We can be professional lyricists). Oh, the joy!

Illustrating the URL

My biggest pet peeve is the phrase 'pet peeve'.

Other than that something I really quite hate, as does Naveen, are textbooks trying to be funny. Do you know what a textbook is? It's something they force you to read in school. So that you can be educated. And while I love being educated I do not like that fact that these books always try to be so interesting when they're just NOT. Like how Naveen's Biology book says [not word-perfect] "So the water you're drinking has actually been through someone else's body!"
My Business Studies book does that too. And it's really very annoying how the authors add all these exclamation marks at the end of their supposedly funny sentences. I might have actually found something funny if there hadn't been that punctuation mark there telling me that the guy penned the line down just for me to laugh at. That's just trying too hard, babe.
These people just need to know that they're writing a textbook. And seeing little exclamation marks scattered about the page will not make us think "Oh, wow, how interesting! I love this book, let me read another chapter or two!" Obviously it's been a long while since they were our age. They've forgotten how we think.

What I do find funny, however, is the name of the lady who wrote my Business Studies book. Karen Borrington. How appropriate, that book is like my Xanax.

Undercover idiot

I can't believe I never got around to writing about this! You see, last week there was a terrorist attack on the Quaid-e-Azam International Airport, Karachi!
Do let me convey to you this remarkable story of courage, clothing, and astounding cleverness.
So, what happened is, this guy, he decides, Y'know what, I'll bomb the airport! Mindless terrorism is so in vogue these days. Now this person who we're talking about was obviously very gifted with intelligence. Inspired by the Lal Masjid incident he grabs his bombing equipment, whatever that might be, and gets to the airport... disguised in a full burqa! He's like, Well, of course no one will suspect I'm a MAN in a burqa, and then I can just get into the airport without stirring up any suspicion. They probably won't even give me a proper security check because of this attire!
Very smart.
So, he gets into the airport. In his burqa. He goes over to some counter to get his tickets/ check in/ whatever (it wasn't specified in the news, sorry). And at the counter he goes and stands in a line in his burqa. He goes and stands in his burqa, in the men's line. Not the women's. In the men's line, in a burqa.
Needless to say, he was caught, stripped and revealed as being, indeed, a man.
A man, and an idiot.

So what do you learn from this, boys and girls? I'd say the lesson taught by all this is that boys and burqas do not go together. This combination did not work out for the Lal Masjid leader. And it did not work out for this suicide bomber.
This may be a new form of terrorism. Making people laugh themselves to their deaths. Although I did not watch BBC to see how much they were enjoying this novel piece of news. They definitely had a blast with Lal Masjid.

"Let me hear you depoliticize my rhyme!" - K.H.

[This is what I did on chand raat. I'm such a sad, sad child.]

RePublican Display of Affection

Call the bomb squad over,
it may explode, my heart.
You are entirely beautiful,
and you also look quite smart.

And when we shake hands
it is I who is Palin'.
Ignore the sound in the background
that's just the Bhutto fans still wailing.

They say I killed my wife
but I'm only guilty of killing her with love.
The kind I can offer to you,
I do possess quite enough.

So don't just clasp my hand,
c'mere into my open arms
Like the Marriott my heart is aflame,
can't you hear the fire alarms?

Oh my anti-feminist, book-banning,
deer-shooting Republican
When I looked into your eyes
I realised you're no ordinary woman

So, you see...

The country is in peril
My love for you is feral
They wish I'd become sterile
Oil prices rises by the barrel.

But love is, after all, blind
Plus, I'm known to have lost my mind
Yet, Pakistan is not too kind
So I'll just kiss American behind.

Oh, how hard he works

While there have been reported to be 21 suicide bombers in Karachi and 10 vans full of explosives driving around the whole of Pakistan at a time, President Zardari is out in America, attending UNO conferences and trying to find a place is Sarah Palin's arms.
How nice.

Animal abuse

If I see another movie featuring penguins, or lions, or squirrels, or giraffes, or zebras, or cows, or dogs, or cats, or rats, or hippos, or lemurs, or koalas, or monkeys, or pigs, or pandas, or chickens, or snakes, or sharks, or octopi, or shrimps, or seals, or mammoths, or mice, or ants, or apes, or bears, or beavers indulging in human actions/activities such as talking, dancing, singing, or- especially- driving any sort of vehicle, I will go MAD.
There are only so many animal movies a person can watch. I have reached my quota.

Also, I realised today as Coco attacked the computer's mouse that the clicking of buttons on the mouse kind of resembles poking its butt. Who was the freak who designed this thing?

Move aside, polar bears

Here's a fact for you: The temperature in a whale's stomach is around 40 degrees c.
And it's been so hot here these days that the temperatures are up to 42 degrees c. That means it's hotter than a whale's stomach over here!!!
I have a feeling that perhaps the whole city of Karachi just got swallowed by a misguided, hungry whale and we just don't know it yet.
It is possible. We are right on the coastline.

Now I have to go to school

What the heck, Zardari? You've only been President for one day now and already you're messing stuff up! IF OUR PROVINCIAL GOVERNMENT WANTS TO GIVE US A HOLIDAY IN CELEBRATION OF YOUR BECOMING PRESIDENT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INTERFERE, HUH? Why can't you just let us be happy that you're here now to end what is left of Pakistan? WHY?
God, give a man some power and he goes nuts.

QUICK!

Alarm clocks are pagans. I have decided this on the basis that because of them I have missed one roza and nearly missed a second one as well. I didn't miss the second one because my mother woke up at the time of sehri and realised that she could not hear the sound of her household preparing for the day's fifteen-hour fast. So she woke us up.
I've been reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and I think Christopher would make an excellent Muslim. I mean imagine how easy it would be for him to keep a fast! He never lies to begin with and he can go for days without food just because he saw four yellow cars drive past in a row! Wow, he'd be a better Muslim than me.

Oh and today Asif Zardari became our President. I know for a fact that he can not keep rozas. This is because he is a politician. A Pakistani politician. And as of today, as previously mentioned, not just any Pakistani politician but also the PRESIDENT of Pakistan. So he obviously lies far too much to be able to keep fast.
He is also mentally unfit and mentally unfit people can not fast, either. This comes from a news item I saw on TV a couple of weeks back. Apparently some British newspaper has accused Zardari of being insane in the most medical meaning of the word. They based this diagnosis on a fact, among many, that Zardair has memory problems and can not remember his children's birthdays, even. Seriously.
But I do not think Zardari was upset when he found out about this. I mean, it must have been rad for him to hear that people now think that he has memory problems!

"What's that Nawaz Sharif? I promised restoration of the judges in this week? Hm, well I just can't seem to remember ever saying that..."

Quaid-e-Azam + Silk Pajamas = Pakistan

YAY! Independence Day today!!!

So we may not be able to freely celebrate today, and we may not be truly independent from the shackles of the British (may I point to the posts I made during my exams?), and we may be facing a takeover by the Taliban and a try at terrorist eradication by the Americans but now you are to forget all that and know that today is the day that Pakistan turns 61!

Though Pakistan is kind of developmentally challenged, wouldn't you agree? I mean, shouldn't he (I know Pakistan is supposed to be a she but I like calling her a he, and it's fully possible that she's a transsexual and we're hurting her feelings) have been a lot more changed now from how he was in 1947? He's already reached the age of retirement and he's still stuck in the teenage phase!

Thinking about it, isn't Pakistan also sort of the unwanted child of a dysfunctional home? Those politician's really don't want to help the country very much, they just seem to want to just adopt the kid and then run off with his trust fund. Wow. He's a messed up little country. No wonder I love him so much!

Let's just hug Pakistan and hope for the best.
And all those burger people need to drop their Amrikan attitudes for just today, please. Please. Thank you.

And by the way, that stupid Geo ad for Independence Day is very messed up. You're not supposed to be swinging your arms around like an idiot when you're singing the National Anthem. Atleast not when you're coming on TV!


HEY did you notice that this post is also my 50th post? I don't think you can, but it totally indicates so on my blogger.com dashboard! HOW EXCELLENT!

See, Pakistan? This is how much I love you. Let's waltz!

Not as easy as ABC

Do the British think their kids are dyslexic? Is that why the kids' show is called CBeeBees, which is just BBC turned around?

Or maybe they're just not very creative.

Ain't nothing but mammals

Do you ever think that maybe the reason we have tides in the seas and oceans is because of the whales having sex? I just came up with that thought yesterday.
It could be.

While you ponder that idea, listen to this excellently relative song which I am sure you will enjoy quite a bit:
The Bad Touch - The Bloodhound Gang

It's hilarious! Believe it.

You know how Andre 3000 goes in Hey Ya "Shake it like a Polaroid picture"?
And then in the Ying Yang Twins' Salt Shaker it's all about shaking it like one?

Well, I was wondering, how else can you shake it?
So I made a list:

* Like a spray can
* Like a ketchup bottle
* Like a wet dog
* Like an epileptic (excellent if you're feeling controversial)
* Like you're drying your nails
* Like a baby's rattle
* Like a handshake

Any contributions? All welcome. But you readers aren't very creative so I doubt it.
Maybe we can turn this into a song, though. We just need a filthy beat.

And just as an update, tomorrow will be the day when I am going to fully regret ever wanting to go back to school.

(Oh and I'm writing this without a mouse so I can't fill in the title. No amount of Tab-ing lets me use that field. What meanness.)

Help.

Last night I banged my head on the kitchen cabinet and burned my hand.
I feel I might be in some really crap sitcom. While I microwaved some water for this morning's Joshanda I looked around the house trying to find the hidden cameras. I couldn't see any.

Then I opened the microwave and found out that I'd forgotten to pour any water into my mug.

Thandi Cough-y

I have bruises on my elbow and wrist, an incredibly sore throat, a fever (I can't sweat out- marry me now, Brendon, I advertised your album!) and I can't stop sneezing.
I think I may have a psychological disorder.

See, my theory is that the reason I'm falling sick and down stairs is because I'm doing this to myself subconsciously. Because school's opening next week and deepdeepdeep down I really don't want to go- so now I'm not-so-accidentally trying to get myself bed-ridden so I don't have to!
But I don't really get it, because I thought I kind of wanted to go to school. I'm fully bored out of my mind right now and YES I am so bored, I don't entirely hate the prospect of getting my butt back into those torturous desk/chairs.

Oh, God, see? Either way, I am mentally unfit for sure.

But I am missing hearing Anum go "Guess what happened in Physics?"

WTFPTCL

My phone hasn't been working for a week now and every time we'd call PTCL no one would pick up. Now I know why. PTCL is on a strike!! They won't fix my phone! My dad called one of the people from PTCL at home and he said that they're on strike and once they're off it we may take a number and wait in line for our phone to get fixed. AAAARRGH.
And then a couple of days back about 10 PTCL workers were shot by the Rangers. Thank you, kind enforcers of law, for making my situation worse. Now my phone will NEVER work! We'll have to get a new line.

Since it will be some time till I can call the 17 Operators again, all I wish for right now is some rain. I REALLY don't care about the roads. Let them be a mess. A representative of DHA said on the television that all Karachi infrastructure will be in full working order by the 15th of this month. Ofcourse, he was lying. The road outside my house still gives me the lovely, luxe feeling of living in Kachi Abadi. Anyways, even if the roads fall apart and the metropolis of Karachi is temporarily put on pause it won't be that bad. We can all just stay in for a few days! I mean, I hardly leave the house much to begin with so it shows how little I would be affected. With Anum, we can see why she may not much like the idea of rain. But I'm fine with it. We can all sit at home and read my blog.

There we go. Full-time win-win situation. Thank me later.

"I'm drinking... um..."

What do you call coffee that goes cold sitting outside? You know, regular coffee, that you drink hot. What do you call it when it's not hot? Do you call it cold coffee? But you can't because cold coffee is another drink altogether and then it'll be like you're referring to that.
So what am I supposed to refer to it as? Not-warm-anymore coffee? Cold hot coffee? Cool coffee? None-iced cold coffee? Room temperature coffee? Cold coffee-but-not-Cold coffee?

What?

Maha-hahahaha!

Today at Naveen's we discovered something very interesting. Apparently there's a band called 'Maha' which is also well-known as the Pakistani Evanescence. We watched their YouTube video. Here, take a nice, hard look:

YouTube- Maha- Uljhan

Hmm, now I wonder, why are they known as the Pakistani Evanescene? What ever could be the reason?

Maybe, it's because this song has the exact same music as that of Evanescene's Everybody's Fool. Sure, the guy who uploaded it has cleared that out for tone-deaf folk in the video information column, but still. If they could pick out snazzy sunglasses for the video and choreograph so well for it that the girl keeps stepping like a foot away from the mike while she's singing because she needs place to flail her arms around, could they not come up with their own music?. But let's give them credit for adding their own guitar solo in between.

Maybe, it's because the video rips off Evanescwence's Call Me When You're Sober video. With the dining bits and the whole part in front of the mirror.

Maybe, it's because the video also rips off Evanescene's Bring Me To Life video- okay, so that's just the teeny lying in bed part, but at this point I can totally use it against them.

So, well, I don't know. Why don't you tell me why this band seems so like Evanescence? Surely it can't be just the fact that it's fronted by a really fake Goth-wannabe girl. Still, you could forgive them because I suppose we should just blame the director, Khalid Manee, for the video. But did you listen to the words?

Tum udaas ho,
main udaas hoon

You're sad/ I'm sad. I am so proud of Pakistan. This has got to be my most favorite band of all times.

But if I've got to be nice- atleast the singer sounds better than I ever will.

Haippy Sinaaaps!

Photos by Naveen Zaidi

For art more satisfying to the eye than this jumble of words, check out naveen1468's photostream where Naveen Zaidi is showcasing her photographic masterpieces for all y'all's pleasure.

I would try to compete with her artsy-ness but I do not possess the talent she does. Neither do I possess an actual camera. Donations are most welcome. Give from your wallet, not from your heart.

Start time: 9:00 a.m.; End time: 11:30 a.m.; Duration: Yo' motha...

At about 6:00 a.m on the 4th of this fine, fantastically hot month, I came up with a theory on Benazir Bhutto's death (yes, I'm still stuck on it). Anum, who I shared my revelation with, called me the Jedi Master of Bullshit. But I'm sure, dear reader, that you will be more sensitive to my thoughts and beliefs.

See, I was sitting there trying to revise for the Geography exam which was to take place in approximately 3 hours, when I looked up and saw my giant Benazir poster. If you're wondering why I have one, it's because it was incredibly cheap (20 Rs!) and so very artistic. It has a detached, translucent head of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto floating in a starry sky with his daughter standing underneath, raising her arms to the heavens, as she so enjoyed doing (very air stewardess-like, don't you think? Especially with the head scarf and jackets, too. She could have worked for PIA). You don't see posters like that very often.
So anyways, I looked up at her and I wondered- how on earth did she study as much as she did? I mean, Harvard AND Oxford? There could only be one explanation.
She was a robot.

Anum disagreed. "Robots don't die from getting shot."
So here's my theory: She most definitely was a robot. And the 'assassination'? All a set-up. See, the CIA was actually very close to figuring out about Bhutto's android actuality. So damage control was needed. If it were found out and revealed imagine the global drama that would ensue! So PPP and our government teamed up and decided to stage a fake murder to nip the CIA's ideas in the bud.
A man was hired and Benazir was shot in the neck- where her mini-brain micro-chip (ignore the lack of technical terms) was! That's why this whole thing wasn't investigated properly!

Now that I have blown this whole thing wide open let me just say that it is indeed posts like this one that reduce the credibility, merit, and over-all literary value of this blog to little more than a grain of sand.
This theory, that resembles a sieve with the many holes it has in it, you are fully invited to harp about and poke fun at. But when it all turns out to be true, you have to promise to look at the camera and say that you Are Not Smarter Than Aziza.

And speaking of flunking out of school, I am giddy with relief upon announcing that my O Levels for this year are officially over. Zia ul Haq may be giggling in his grave at my Pakistan Studies papers (sadist), but never mind: I'm A Survivor.
But not for long since the unexpected, cruel departures of the electricity about thrice a day are sure to be the death of me.
Honestly, what ever is the point of Daylight Saving? What electricity are we trying to save? It's not like we get any!

Nothing better than living in Pakistan to prepare one for the harsh cruelties of the world. You can take me to a war and I won't even flinch. We're tough, yo. And when the going gets tough, the tough slip on their suicide jackets and flip on their fake Zippos.
Jealous?